You know those disgusting giant chocolate Christmas cards companies send? WHAT IS THE FREAKING POINT? Do people actually EAT them? They actually hold the platter-sized slab of chocolate to their lips, gnaw timidily, only to leave a few tooth marks and a lot of drool?

On on EARTH came up with the idea of such a thing. If people don't leave them in the box to turn to cocoa powder, they leave them in the box to feed the thriving mice. At best, they feed it to their children, fueling their demon souls. I cleverly chopped it up to make cookies, but, I am merely the exception to the rule with my unusual amount of savvy common sense. Or maybe the joke is on me, to watch me carefully carve up two pounds of very solid chocolate with a very dull butcher knife. Why can't it be DARK chocolate? Because you would then have to pry away MY little demon fingers.


And that would be all too much fun. It would be MY little CHOCOLATE fueled soul.