sometimes i believe it would be wholly refreshing to scream "fuck you" to the universe. but i don't for fear karma will come nipping at the heels of said rantings and give me what for. however, i have never been more tempted to wield a guttural string of curses towards the sky.

the charmingness of living in a small town, particularly a small town where you grow up, quickly wears off. particularly when the unpleasant past (though, you didn't think it THAT awful) and the contented present collide. when fate arranges that a disgruntled ex meets the present someone. unfortunately, it's of all the ex's the one that apparently bears the most bitterness--for what i am completely unsure, since he is the one that broke it off.

it's actually quite humorous. a man who got no more than a few chaste kisses and many good times is posting the banner of my scarlet letterhood. perhaps he feels jilted because i have not grown old clinging to the hope of his return? or maybe it is a streak of unhappiness because he's really just an unhappy person? or perhaps he just had the sudden realization he really was a very bad kisser.

to think of the nice things i've said of him since.

well, universe, you owe me royally is all i can say.

Labels: dating, small town silliness

having lost fourteen pounds and narrowed my rather large arse down a size, i find my waistline expanding as i settle comfortably in the routine of a relationship. this must be stopped.

i haven't forced myself to find the time to go out and find things to do, so i've been burying myself in heaps of books and achieving massive amounts of reading. recommendations for the list are highly welcome.

i've observed that the cost of eating out in salisbury is comporable to that of in pittsburgh. i find this fascinating and puzzling.

this is truly the godforsaken midwest--i don't care what anyone else tells me. people here have horrible hair, bad clothes and eat vast amounts of pork. even with said expanding ass, my eating habits are considered "healthy".

when it snows, and i refuse to go outside for six months straight--i fully intend on weighing four hundred pounds by spring, from toast and tea alone.

Labels: pittsburgh, snippetts, stupid people

I find tears leaking out of my eyes whenever I think about work.

This does not bode well.

Labels: job, life, saddish

When I was young, I am told, I was unbelievably kind, compassionate and caring. I loved children, kittens, puppies and babies. I would cuddle, kiss and cajole them to happiness. Somewhere between now and then, I became a cold and heartless bitch.

Children, as a whole, irritate me. I don't mind when they are quiet and well-mannered little munchkins who giggle at the appropriate moments. But they rather vex me when they start wiping their dirty hands on your white wool pants. When they continually interrupt your conversation with screaming. When little tyrants who manage to monopolize the attention of a crowd with their rantings and tantrums.

However. The exception, is my nephew. Perhaps this is why parents tolerate reproduction. But, my ten year old nephew is the most hilarious little person that ever was. (I say "little" because not only is he small for his age, but I will always think of him as a tiny babe.) He tolerate me trying to be a cool auntie. He tends to give me his frank opinion "Yes, that makes you look fat." He does not allow me to embarrass him "No. You cannot sign my spelling paper "Auntie Sarah" It's too embarrassing." Why is it embarrassing? Because I have crazy red hair, his friend explains. However, to the same friend, he carefully corrects the pronunciation of the word "Auntie". Not like the insect, he tells him, but with a longer, more British sound to the word. He eats my mac and cheese with delight, even when it's awful. He giggles mischievously when we decide to get into trouble. And, whenever he finds out we get to spend time together, he acts like he was just told he was the godson of Willy Wonka. "Really?! YOU'RE SPENDING THE NIGHT? How cool!"

This is why people continue to reproduce. Because they have unabashed, awesome little fans. Who happen to be miniature versions of themselves.

Labels: family

I was raised by a mother who had our entire family on the Fit For Life diet. I was eleven, I dropped ten pounds. Our mother was obsessed with healthy eating, alternative medicine and generally being the crazy mom. Since the tender age of eight, I've known that cows milk was "cow puss" (the theory being that cows expelled all their waste and dead white blood cells through milk) and that the only thing even remotely allowable was goats milk. I've had goat cheese, goat yogurt and warm goats milk. I've been the kid, who for snack time, brought seaweed for everyone to munch on. I've had grilled cheese sandwiches snatched out of my fingers by the well meaning friends of my mother. It was POISON! How could they let us eat POISON?! She tried to get our whole family to do the Hallelujah diet, but we had to draw the line somewhere.

The ally in our rebellion was our father. A solid meat and potatoes kind of guy, who groaned at coming home to dinners of meatless stir-fry's and mountains of salad. Give the man a piece of boiled chicken and a cold potato and he couldn't be happier. Whenever I got to eat "normal" food, I'd eat with gusto. So I trained myself into the bad habit of eating allot of what I liked, when it was available. Similar to, say, a survivor of the Great Depression. Gobbling up whatever was in sight (and tasty!) as to assure myself of my momentary happiness. I swore up and down I would never be a "crunchy" health lover. (I also held a special place of loathing for all those people who wore Birkenstock's and valued substance over style.)

So, now that I've moved out of the house, eaten every thing I could possibly want and gained thirty pounds past my ideal weight, I've rather fallen in like with the idea of eating healthy. Possibly even trying to eat Vegan. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore good food. Adore it. And dairy will be the hardest thing for me to give up. I love, love, love dairy. Seriously, I could exist eating only cream cheese smeared on crackers piled with onions. Or really, cheese and crackers for life.

But lately, I've been gravitating towards the idea of healthy eating. Entertaining the idea of at least venturing to go vegan for a month. However, given my extremely bad eating habits and my propensity for making sweeping proclamations that I promptly break, I think I'll start of slow. Cut out meat, then eggs, then dairy. Slowly.

This is strictly for health purposes and has nothing to do with saving animals. I believe, firmly, it is perfectly fine to kill animals for meat, leather, decoration and/or sport. I will happily continue wearing leather, keeping my dog on a leash and entertaining the idea of mounting a deer head on my wall.

I do, very much, want to see if improving my diet improves my general sense of well-being, energy and waistline. As it is, I normally kick off my day with a cup of tea and then probably don't eat until I get home that night, where I make up for my lack of eating throughout the day by inhaling whatever I can lay my little paws on.

Really, tragic.

This whole "resolution of health" makes me laugh simply because life really does come full circle. (I am not, however, brave enough to yet tell my mother. She will impress upon me tofu recipes and the incessant nagging that really I'm not completely healthy until I eat only raw fruits and vegetables.)

Labels: dieting, family, life

Yes, well, me and the boys in blue down at the station are becoming fast friends. First, there was the break in at the office, where the ONLY thing taken was my laptop. Then there was my arrest. Then there was the drawn out process of getting my gun/car/cookie sheet back from the police. Then there was the thievery of my wallet.

It's almost comical. But I still feel strangely violated. A stranger rifling through my car looking for money, upending my purse, ripping through my glove compartment. I would rather enjoy curling up and whimpering like a puppy.

Labels: life

This past Sunday I voluntarily went to church for the first time in a very, very long time. I was rather excited, simply for the reason that I have never wanted to go to church and this stage in my life is a very long time coming.

It wasn't that I wanted to go to church to feel better or to atone for my sins, but I wanted to go to church to learn and to meet other believers with the same questions.

I went, but almost left immediately. I didn't realize that Sunday School followed the morning worship and felt frightfully out of place. I didn't know where to go, didn't know anyone to sit with. I was awkward and uncomfortable. But I persevered, had a lovely time and afterwards met the assistant pastor. I vowed to go back for the next few weeks, because I think it's unfair to judge the church on a singular Sunday.

I tried going to the Wednesday night Bible study, but apparently it wasn't held at the church. So I showed up to a cold, dark church.

This morning, I was picking up a book that I had recommended to my sister, when checking out, I got to chatting with the cashier about John Piper and how he had changed my understanding of grace. She looked at me slightly quizzically and asked where I was going to church. I mentioned I was trying out a church, and said the name. She delightedly exclaimed "I go there! Why haven't I seen you?!" Because I just started?

She scribbled down her number, took mine and declared I must sit with them this Sunday. Or, if I fancy a cup of coffee, to call her. She'd love to discuss Piper with me.

I felt so welcomed. I hope I can do the same for a newcomer in church someday.

Labels: faith, life