men are whiny little girls


john, skyler and MonkeyTree drama, pt 2.

i thought i had patched things up with john. apparently not. he's been avoiding my work related calls for about a week and a half now. when we did speak, it was very short and abrubt. i managed to call skyler and apoligize for hanging up on him. he didn't sound like he cared all that much. but we were cool. however, with john, it got to the point where it was interfering with work so i pressed him to share why he was annoyed. he refused. i finally got ahold of him tonight. apparently, word got back that i referred to some of the girls he was with as "sorostitutes". he was very offended because they aforementioned barsluts happened to be his fiance and his best friend's fiance.

he lectured me on how horrible and heartless it was to say something like that about people i didn't know. i apoligized, but he continued berating me. i finally asked why, if it meant so much to him, did he not introduce us to the beloved fiance. he mumbles something unintelligible. i started to get annoyed and he then starts shrieking about me "having an attitude!!" and if i want to be like that he'll "terminate our business relationship!!!" and how incredibly disrespectful to his fiance it was for me to not respect their relationship. (i didn't bother pointing out he wasn't terribly respectful in the whole area of the fiance, with the whole draping himself over anything with breasts at his little frat party.) at this point, i really don't give a damn, but not really having the energy in me for a good old fashioned fight, i give a half hearted apoligy and we tersely hang up. whaaaatever.

three minutes later, he calls back. (hello, highschool. how i have missed you and all your drama.) "you know why i didn't introduce you all??? because of the way you were acting!!!" now. bear in mind. lesister and lefriend and i, were not drunk, or anywhere close. the three of us were chatting, having a good time, meeting people. however, the females/sorostitutes/barsluts he was with were clamoring all over them, drunkenly whispering and pawing over both of them and generally acting in a way i would be ashamed to see someone knew. but, whatever. apparently, WE were the inappropriate ones. (perhaps because we were ignoring them?)

i'm pretty steamed at this comment. because i have nothing to be ashamed of and i want to give him a nice little smackdown and put his girly little frat emotions back into place. but i check myself. what would be the point? i would have proven that i'm smarter than an overgrown frat kid? i calm myself for a moment and immediately switch from my irritated angry voice to soothing dulcet tones. the sort of tones you would use to soothe an angry boss, or coax a rabid animal away from the child or just maybe, rationalize with a crazy person.

"john, you are absolutely right. i am so very sorry. you have every right to be upset. you obviously love your fiance very much and are simply trying to defend her. i am so very sorry for belittling your great love for her. soothesoothesootheblahblahblahihateyoustupidfucker"

he grunts an apoligy, but i still hear edges of resentment in his voice.

"no john, it isn't ok. i was absolutely wrong. and if you never can find it in your heart to forgive me, i understand."

halfheartedly he says "it's fine. water under the bridge. you're sorry. i'm sorry. we're fine"

"but it isn't ok john. because you don't realize how very sorry i am! i was completely and totally wrong! heaponthedramaandcompletelyturnthiswholeapoligyintohimapoligizing."

him "no, no! baby, i'm sorry for getting upset. of course i forgive you."

me. sweetly, meekly. "are you sure? this is water under the bridge?"

him "absolutely. we're good. baaaaaaaaaaaby. of course. call me later?"

i was so incredulous that he fell for it, i almost forgot to be mad.


aaaaaaaand i'll be forever single


there are bad dates. and then there are bad dates. this week i had one of the latter.

it was kind of a random set-up by the grandmother of one of customers and instantly started grilling me as to my relationship status. married? no. engaged? no. boyfriend? no. imustsetyouupwithmyson!!

i gave her my number. whattheheck, right? (i happen to work with this guy's niece and she assured me he was *very* attractive.) the next DAY he calls me. hmm, lil' desperate maybe? we set up a date to meet on wednesday. (not really wanting to waste a perfectly good weekend night on him.)

so. wednesday he calls me and wants to know where he picks me up. um, i'll meet you, i tell him. no, no, he must pick me up. i make up this very long story about being in meetings all day and not knowing where i'll be prior to the meeting time. we finally agree to meet at a mutual place. at this point, i'm really beginning to question this wisdom of this decision. if this guy is TERRIBLY good looking and normal, why doesn't he have a girlfriend? or why is his mother so desperate for him to be married. (i hate having the date pickmeup/dropmeoff because if it IS a flop, then you have the akward car ride back.)

i arrive and before he even says "hi, i'm bailey!" he annouces "oh. my. word. they didn't tell me you were a redhead! redheads are my FAVORITE!" um. k. ps. he isn't attractive, at all. not one tiny bit.

we walk out to his car. he drives a viper. ok. nice car. we'll ignore the fact it's a domestic. we start to the restaurant, which is a solid half hour away. we drive along, i'm trying to make conversation. he is an only child. well, he considers himself an only child even though he has step-siblings. aka. he is a spoiled brat. he also has no hobbies. mkaay. he lives with his mother. HE LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER!! he also wants to know "where i see this relationship going" first thought "NOT back to my place!" but i manage to utter out a very strangled speech about not having time for a real relationship. the closest thing being meeting someone for dinner twice a month. his response? "yeah, yeah, that's cool with me. if you want to do the whole weekend relationship thing. you know, we call each other every day and see each other on weekends..." he also lets me know he believes in "the man upstairs". what the hell is that supposed to mean?

um, no.

we get to dinner. it is a veryvery nice restaurant. but i'm incredibly creeped out at this point. i'm desperately struggling to make conversation. but there are plenty of akward pauses wherin he gazes upon my beauty (and chest). i honestly don't remember what we talked about, other than he kept exclaiming "we have so much in common!!" somehow, the fact i'm buying a house came up, which he managed to tie into a converation regarding his decorating skills of the bedroom he lives in (in his mother's house, of course) to which he gave me the memorable quote

"yes, i love the way you do your makeup. so soft, so sensous. and your hair... it all reminds me of the way my bedroom is painted. the soft sensual colors..."

did he just compare my makeup to his wall paint?

he also shared with me that EXACTLY a week ago, he wished upon a shooting star for someone who was "gorgeous, sexy, intelligent and sucessful" and HERE I WAS!! he now believes in karma. um. k.

when the bill came, i grabbed for it. simply because i knew i was never going out with this guy ever again and didn't want him to think i was meal grubbing. no. no. he would have none of that as he gazed into my eyes and told me what an absolute pleasure it was to buy me dinner.

on the way home, he somehow starts talking about politics. now, please understand, i am willing to talk to anyone about their views and listen to intelligent discussion. but, really, date conversation material? he shares that he would vote for hillary clinton if she we running for president, though he has never voted... nor is he registered to vote... nor have his parents ever voted...

i had restrained myself from lecturing or ranting all evening. (i had recently recieved a lecture about trying to be nice to people.) but i did deliver a quick peptalk about the responsibility as a citizen to vote. he promised to register. however, he started talking about issues and politicians. he thinks condi rice is "racial" (not racist) and that she only looks out for the interests of "those people". he also managed to work in the word "nigger".

his views on abortion? (not that i wanted to know) "if, you know, you're poor and stuff. and you, like, sleep around, you shoudl have an abortion because you won't take care of the baby anyway. but, you know, if you have money, you should keep the baby."

up to this point, we were speaking in the third person. all of a sudden he switches to the first person and says "i want to make love you as badly as you want to make love to me. and, you know, if you got pregnant or whatever, i wouldn't leave you."

i was speechless.

the minute the viper stopped, i clambered out and ran to my car hearing his little voice trail behind me "call me....."

i went home, took the flowers he gave me and beat them until their petals fell off and created a vodoo doll out of them.

well, not really. but if i knew how i would have.

they call me a pistol, not the sex kind


there i things i just don't do: children. pets. talkingaboutfeelings.

i was the kid in the first grade who told everyone their wasn't a santa claus... and in the second grade... even when under treat of bodily harm by the older kid's siblings. it's all about the truth, baby. i just can't deal with emoting and spready the gooey lovliness of emotions everywhere. "we need to talk about our relationship" conversations never happen with me. in fact, i'd rather have a dog come stay with me and spread their awful fur over all my suits than talk about feelings. i'd rather have to entertain a brat than talk about my feelings. well, that might be a bit of a stretch.

however, men, in all the denial of emotion DO like to talk about their feelings. something i find terribly disturbing. not because they want to talk about it, but because they want ME to talk to them about MY feelings and THEIR feelings andletsalljustfeelandhug! yay! hell, whatever you do in the privacy of your own home and out of my earshot is fine. just don't inflict it on me. paticularly when our relationship is work-related.

here is my story.

my job involves relationship building with lendors. basically, i have to benice/sweettalk/browbeat them into doing me favors. this is highly leveraged by how much business i send them. however, i have around fifteen different lenders i have the choice of sending business to. each with different specialities. however, i favor about three or four of them and send them most everything. it's a give and take relationship, but to sum it up, it pays to be nice to me because i feed you business, which, in turn feeds your kids.

part of their job is to schmooze with us. come out, wine and dine us, say nice things and make them send us business. one of the lenders, let's call it MonkeyTree, has a supervisor, let's call him skyler, who i absolutely loathe. he is married. very perverted. very annoying. quite some time ago, he made a very very inappropriate comment which i found very very offensive. i told him so, but have since kept my distance and been terse and short in our communication.

i have another contact at the bank, let's call him john, who i deal with for all my business with MonkeyTree. while john isn't perfect, he's better than skyler. skyler is very unhelpful with almost all business. when i ask a question, i want an answer. not a fifteen minute speech as to why you can't answer my question. john has visited our office a few times, taken us out for drinks a few times and apparently considers us "tight". he is engaged, not that you would know it. last weekend, we went out for drinks, i dragged along lesister and lefriend. drinks turned into a frat party. the only reason i stayed was purely for blackmail reasons on monday morning.

this weekend, john came into town, again. of course, now that we are "tight" he wanted to meet for drinks again, but i really don't enjoy hanging out with engaged frat guys, so i passed on the invite. he said he would call me anyway. i was planning on ignoring his call.

i happened to run into him when catching an afterworkdrink with lesister and lefriend and ignored him. ignoring him as in: i didn't go over, break through the circle of sorostitues and scream "HI, JOHN!!" he didn't approach me, i didn't think i needed to approach him. at one point, lesister and lefriend said hi to him, having met him before. he eventually breaks away from the fawning/groping/adoring masses and comes over to say "hi" and find out why i'm "ignoring" him. generally irritated at life in general and MoneyTree (i had earlier had a very terse conversation with Skyler which resulted in me not exactly hanging up on him, but not giving him a chance to say goodbye) , i apparently said something that deeply wounded john's feelings. he slunk away.

end of story. we'll chat monday. or so i thought.

this morning, i get a call from lesister2 (who used to work with me) and she tells me that i must have done something to gravely offend john because he is very upset and is coming in to talk with me. um.kay. also, skyler is apparently *gravely* upset with me and is threatening to "cut our office off". um. ok?

my first instinct is to tell john to stop being a little girl and having hurt feelings. then, call skyler and say "please! cut me off! i'm sick of dealing with you. but before you hang up, can you transfer me to the manager who i need relay all your inappropriate and perverted comments to." (i also happen to know, even though i'm not supposed to, that skyler is being sued for sexual harassment.) then, go to my manager, tell him the story, which would absolutely enrage him and he would then cut THEM off.

i think that would solve the whole situation quite nicely.

lesister2 talks me down off my firebreathing ledge and convinces me for the good of the company to smooth things over, don't ask me why. so, john comes in and "apoligizes" which comes out something like "i'm sorry i didn't call you. you hurt my feelings. i am so upset. why are you mean to me? feelingsvomitfeelingsvomitfeelingsvomit." i soothe is battered ego and apoligize citing a bad day at work, family stresses and whatever other bullshit reasons i can think of. i also casually mention i was "so stressed" yesterday and was very short with skyler. i "think i'd be the right thing to do" if i called and apoligized. so everyone was all prancing lambs, fluffy clouds and sparkly rainbows. yay happiness and togetherness!!!

are my eyes turning brown yet? because i am full of bullshit.

to top off my indignity, as if lowering myself to pretend i cared about john and skyler's feelings, coddling the egos of grown men and all that happy horseshit, wasn't bad enough. lesister2 calls me and congratulates me on a sucessful summit. how do you know it was sucessful i ask?

apparently, john texted her "the chat was lovely. porkchop just needed a little heart2heart."

cue vomiting and self loathing.

so, apparently, i do feelings now.

i feel like a grownup


i signed the papers for the offer on my house.

i feel so grown up on the outside. but scared on the inside.

clear the streets


"As Porkchop and Barbie are typical Christian Singles and "on the make" all males in the neighborhood would need to take special precaution. This, of course, would mean that all single males between the ages of 17-45 would need to be off the street by 7:00 p.m. within a 4 block radius. Simply put: they are at risk. If Barbie is not mesmorizing you with her "nice studing all the time routine" Porkchop will likely be entrancing you with her "love by the sword" approach to verbal love making. Her motto is "you have to hate me before you love me." As they are plus for neighborhood--they are not without their risks."

--A friend's reply when asked if he would be a reference for moving into a new neighborhood. (heavily tounge in cheek. i hope.)

zero. means, only occasoinally.


today we had "sexual harassment awareness training". i guess we all KNOW for SURE when we are being harassed*.

at the end, they gave out zero bars to remind us of "zero tolerance!!!"

*i laugh to think what used to traumatize me when i first entered the car business. now, i wouldn't bat an eye. i'd just chop off their balls and use them for earrings.

'twas a loverly birthday


given the recent controversy as to whether i am nice enough to people, i was amazed at the outpouring of kindness on my birthday. since i had to (of course) work a very long day on my birthday, there was a steady stream of people into my office. one sister decorated my office to it looked as if the birthday fairy vomited--everywhere. confetti, helliumed balloons, cards, posters, a crown and a blinking button i was forced to wear all day. one sister (and her husband) sent me flowers which are most gorgeous. the other sister brought me coffee and a delicious chocolate maggott cupcake. (she also procured lovely company for the evening after work, who graciously footed the bill for all of us.) my stepgrandmama brought me a gift as well as warm coconut bread. my stepmother visited. my daddy visited me and brought flowers. my little brother visited me and helped me channelmyrage/makefunofeveryoneiworkwith. a bank sent me flowers. the accounting department gave me a gift and threw me a mini birthday part complete with brownie sundaes. a good friend brought me lunch. two of my favorite starbucks baristas hand-delevered coffee and pastries (which i am currently reheating). my bestiefriendy finally showed her face after being out of the country for six long weeks. a salesman sent me flowers. a family friend popped by, with children and drawings. a salesman bought me lunch.

it was very lovely. i was overwhelmed. a good part of my thanks is directed to the sister who alerted everyone to the fact it was my birthday so they would be nice to me. heh.

i have plenty of thank you notes to write.



chatting with a dear friend:

"you remind me of a stick figure. with boobs. here! like this."

that made me laugh hilariously.

happy {early} birthday to me


porkchop: i'm hungry. AGAIN. i've eaten two protein bars AND a full meal. and i'm hungry, AGAIN.

jjoyful: "you're pregnant. it's God's birthday present to you."

last night, i was so fretful i couldn't sleep. you have to understand, if i merely misplace a lipstick, i am endlessly bothered. but my whole purse?! i couldn't sleep. my darling sister coaxed me off a ledge. as i fell asleep i prayed. i mean, my god can move mountains and part seas, why couldn't he find my purse.

this morning i cancelled all my credit cards, got a duplicate license, called the bank to put an alert on my bank account and was generally putting things in order when i got the call my purse had been found! the only thing missing was the vintage gold earrings, my favorite lipstick and whatever cash was in it. ($25?)

granted, all my credit cards were now useless, but hey! i had my purse back! my lovely little cream purse that reminds me of my sister everytime i use it. and i had an answered prayer.

everyone keeps telling my i'm "lucky" but really, i'm blessed. and i know it.

(side note: this morning, i told them i was going to be late into work because i was working on righting the situation, when really, i was replacing my lipstick. beauty first! also, i don't think i've used this many exclamation points in a very, very long time. !!!!11!!! <---for good measure)

so upset i can't sleep


i hate losing things. i HATE losing things. i'm one of those people who cannot fully function if they know they have lost/misplaced something.

tonight i lost my purse.

i am horridly tired, but cannot sleep. i actually have pains in my chest. i have cried like a baby. i have prayed. i have begged God. i have bargained with God. no avail. i am trying to piece together a plan, but really, everytime i think about it, i just want to scream and cry.

i'd rather KNOW where it was. in the belly of a fire breathing dragon. crushed in a jersey waste plant. whatever! better than guessing/hoping/worrying.

now i need to cancel my credit cards, replace my credit cards, replace all my(dual state) id's, replace my social security card, replace my sales license, replace my priceless vintage clutch, replace my several lipsticks and lipliners, replace my checkbook. REPLACE MY WHOLE FREAKING LIFE.


quote of the day:


"i suppose the idea where i take pause is that once the chink in the armour was exposed you drove the stake in. your signature was of saying "leave me alone or i will break your heart and kill your cat! off with your head, peasant!" "

--a family friend's thoughts on me cheerfully shredding the ego of a man who returned my card twice

we have a young customer who hasn't paid for her car in full, yet. i call her cell phone, a wee bit early for a young adult. 9am. oh the horror.

instead of the softspoken female voice i am expecting, i hear a sleep choked but hostile "hello?" from a young male. you can tell he's teetering on launching into a tirade against me.

i crisply ask for the customer, using her full name.

"she's in ths shower."

"far more information than i needed to know, young man." i repeat my name and title and ask him to have her call me.

his voice sounds worried and alert "yes, ma'am."

yes, ma'am. that amuses me to no end.

indulge me, once more


i know all this woe-is-me bullshit is highly uninteresting to read and generally not-of-general interest, but indulge me, once more.

my birthday is this friday. i will spend it working. there isn't any point in making plans with the one person who will remember (my sister/my roommate) because if i DO make plans, it guarantees with absolute certainty that i will have to work a fourteen hour day. (the law of reality) whereas, if i simply plan on coming home to sip vodka and toy with dull razors, i will be able to leave work in a timely manner. ah. such is life. so, friday, with the law of reality firmly in place i will plan nothing, be able to get home on time and my sister will be out on her glorious date with her funny man.

now, speaking of glorious men, this brings me to my other point. i will also be spending my birthday alone because i am a mean horrible person who cannot keep her mouth shut and insists on cutting men down and putting them in their place. worth every minute, i might add, but still leaves me alone on my birthday.

take friday for instance, i met a chap i quite liked, but upon finding out who my father was, he was so dazzled by my... bloodlines that he returned my card to me twice. now, giving it back the first time was pretty degrading to my sense of dignity, but to get it back a second?! i ripped it up and threw it at him. he realized his mistake and i told him in a flair of dramatics that if he wanted my number he could call much much esteemed father and get it from him. now, in the movies, he would call my father and my father would refuse the information, but then the lad would search high and low for clues to finally reach me. wherin i would tell him he had taken to long and he would then commence a campaign to win my affection.

damn. that sounds like a lot of work. and, this is real life. he, of course, didn't call my father. and i will never see him again. and if i DO see him again, it will be incredibly awkward for him and it will be one more sad chap i have intimidated out of dating me. take, for instance, the fellow i ran into today while shopping.

(this paticular fellow, was a ex-love interest of my friend, who she tried setting me up with. i thought it was all joking friendly banter, but apparently i was ripping his soul (and his balls) out and serving them as shishkabobs over rice.)

we do the akward glances where we are both debating whether to acknowledge the other. i finally break the silence. meaningless greetings are exchanged. he says "how's the manhating going?" i express indignation and inform him "manhating" is a label assigned by him because he can dish it out but can't handle it. we part, not awkwardly, but rather dismissive.

this is the story of my life. this is why i am growing old alone. this is why i will be alone on my birthday. because i can't keep my damn mouth shut. the cutting remarks keep bubbling to the tip of my tongue. like an alcoholic at a grey goose giveaway, i just can't help myself.

This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.


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