For most of my life, I was known as the responsible articulate one, wherever I went. I had a plan, I was focused and I made it sound like I had my shit together. Having a highly competative childhood helped, of course, but there was never any excuse for being average. I was always looking excitedly ahead to my next project, my next plan and my next pursuit.

Until now.

I really have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't know what I am good at, other than following orders and shredding people with my words. I know that I hate many things, but I no longer know what excites me. I no longer have a plan. I no longer have my shit together. Not only is this highly disconcerting for me, because I loathe not knowing what my next step will be, but it is rather irritating to answer the oft asked question of "What are you going to do with your life?!?" with a "I have no effing clue".

Where I use to scoff at the mediocre people and those who had no passion and zeal for life, I realize I have become one of them. One of the mortals in a hoard of apathy. Perhaps this is a cruel twist of fate. Perhaps this is me reaching an all time low and there is only up to go from here. I really don't think it is the latter, because I am acutely aware of my many, many blessings, however I am not excited about life. There is nothing I get fired up about.

I find myself morphing into a person I don't even know. I cry at the drop of a hat, paticularly anything patriotic. I am highly apathetic and answer most questions with "I don't care". And most of all, I have very few goals.

I think that part of my problem is the lack of role models I find in my life. The lack of like minded people. Other than Barbie (aka Joy) I have no other females I associate with who challenge me. Whose aspirations are something other than snagging a husband and cranking out a couple of tricycle motors. And while there is nothing intrinsically wrong with that, that isn't all I want in life. I want something more. I want to be able to look back on my life satisfied that I not only made a difference for the better in the lives of others, but lived a full and rich life.

Maybe I am asking too much? Maybe I am stuck in a funk. Maybe I simply need to go run around the house three times naked. But in any event, I know that above all I need to seek first the peace that passes all understanding.

There you have it. My thoughts, unabridged and unedited. Long and rambling like my old blog posts that I cringe to read. But for the first time in a long time, it was not written for an audience and it completely exposed what I was genuinely thinking.