Best Condolances Yet

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The replies to my voicemail message have been varied and interesting.

There are those who aren't really sure I am kidding, so they clearly outline the last four times they have called me, just to make sure my blood is not on their hands. Then there are the perfect strangers who leave rather short startled messages, not really sure of what to say. But the best, are those who know me well.

Starbucks Boy's Message:

My condolances to Porkchop. Once a beautiful young lady who lived on the East Coast and used to make my day by coming into Starbucks and getting coffee from me. Has three beautiful sisters, all intelligent, one didn't know what kind of guy she wanted to date, so she always dated the worst kind. All in all, Porkchop will be missed. She is survived by lots of guys who probably wanted her and will never have her.

Queen Of Slackers:



Poor baby.

I'll send some plastic flowers to your grave. Mkay?

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.

the past


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