In the business I work in, co-workers sleeping together isn't what you would call uncommon. Some places actually encourage people to date. Given how much time we spend together, I guess this could make sense. While breakups may be ugly, turnover is high to begin with.
Therefore, the only kind of sex that can be scandalous is when management is involved. Well, when management is
caught, to be more accurate. This innuendo soaked environment is a breeding ground for all sorts of nasty rumors that spread like fungus unless nipped in the bud with a little caustic treatment.
Latest Rumor: That I (Porkchop) Was Giving Sexual Favors To A Salesman
What I find paticularly amusing is the fact that his salesman has a nasty habit of invading my personal space, something I have called him out on quite loudly and publicly. Even if it something as simple as brushing lint off my shoulder, I narrow my eyes, slap his hands and shriek "keep your mitts off, you handsy bugger!"
I am sure you can now understand my amusement when I heard this juicy bit of gossip. I heard it at the end of the weekend, so I had a whole day to carefully prepare my speech to this salesman who was spreading these rumors. I honed. I tweaked. I recited it for several people who not only inserted suggestions but offered bodily harm, by Monday, I was ready.
I called the salesman into my office using his full Christian name, as his mother (or the principal) would.
Porkchop: "So, Salesman X, how was your weekend"
Salesman X: "Um, er, fine. Yeah, fine"
Porkchop: "Well. That's lovely."
Porkchop: "So, Salesman X, I hear I gave you a hand job. Now, since I wasn't aware of this I was hoping you could fill me in on the details."
Salesman X sits there. Dumbfounded.
Porkchop: "Salesman X, please, humor me. On a scale of one to ten, how was it? Please be specific and detailed."
Salesman X continues to sit there. Mouth slightly agape.
I finally pause and raise an eyebrow, obviously expecting some sort of response. The salesman sort of stutters and lunges for the door.
Porkchop: "Salesman X, this conversation is not over, I did not say you could go."
Salesman X start contradicting himself, stuttering, fidgeting, leaping about his chair and generally acting like a lying fool. He finally sputters out with "Salesman Z, SalesmanY and SoAndSo made it up! I was drunk! I don't... You're going to believe all of them over me??"
Porkchop: "First of all, I didn't say anything about how I found out, obviously you said something if you are referring to specific people. Secondly, Salesman X, yes, I would believe just about anyone over you, given your past track record of lying."
Salesman X: "Is that all?"
Porkchop: "No, actually, it isn't. Salesman X, let me share something with you. Our general manager? Yes, him. He has it out for you. It wouldn't take much to push him over the edge. If you did decide to leave, I know the owner of ImmediateCompetion, Inc and ImmediateCompetition2, Inc, your your chances there don't look so good. Furthermore, given our policy against drug use, I don't know how pleased anyone would be at the results of a random drug test after a night of your partying."
Salesman X protests regarding his usage.
Porkchop: "Salesman X, I've seen you high."
Salesman X shuts up.
Porkchop: "I also happen to know a few state troopers who would be more than happy to nab someone with possession of illegal substances and would happily slap on a "intent to distribute" charge. Now, something like that wouldn't look so great on your record given your desire to go into pharmaceutical sales, would it?"
Salesman X sits sullenly.
Porkchop: "WOULD IT?"
Salesman X: "No"
Porkchop: "I can't imagine your father (who is a well-ranked government officer) would be very pleased to find out his son, who happens to be wasting his life in the first place, is further flushing it away with drug use, however casual."
I pause and let it all sink in. Happily surveying the nervous and twitching wreck I have created before my desk. The salesman lunges for the door again. I command him to sit down.
Porkchop: "I'm almost finished. I just want to do a quick little review to make sure we understand each other. Will there be any more of this ridiculous rubbish going on?"
Salesman X: "No"
Porkchop: "And what are the consequences of such rubbish if it to ever happen again?"
Salesman X: "You will make it your personal mission to make my life hell, if you don't start sooner."
Smart boy. He got the general gist.
You. Are. My. Hero.
That. So. Rocks. I'm dying of laughter, completely picturing the conversation. You rule.
Men are bastards.
Now just cultivate a persona that prevents these situation. Whenever you encounter resistance look them in the eye and say "if we locked wills..I would crush yours".
Oh, and I'm incredibly proud of you.
Way to go!
I'm falling even more in love with you.
He had just better hope I don't see him in public. People don't know it, but I still have a very strong Mountain Girl buried inside. I haven't had to use it for a while, but it is still there and very much in touch with the Wicomico River! (It really helps to have the bouncers at the local clubs on your side :)
This is why I read you. You're an inspiration. You're my hero.
You are good. Damn, you're good!
You are freakin' awesome.