Damn it! Why does doing the right thing have to suck?? I am teetering a very fine line between weeping and laughing. I know Jared thinks that I am this cold, heartless and uncaring person, who making these decisions comes so easily to, and that ice water flows in my veins. But it is just as horrible for me as it is for him. Maybe moreso for me, because I had to make the decision, and I can't even try and blame someone else. Being the victim is so much easier sometimes. But, I refuse to be the victim. I can't even listen to slow sad songs without tearing up.

Will I ever find someone to love me? Will anyone ever understand me? Will I ever have someone to call again? Will I ever have someone to tell me they think I am beautiful and they love the way I laugh? Will I ever have someone to write long letters to again? Will I ever have someone to call my own? Will I ever have someone I can run and kiss when I am happy and/or sad? Will I ever have someone who I can actually talk to, for forever? About life, and dreams, and hopes, and fears, and the future? Will I ever have someone who finds the same things I find exciting?
Joy thinks that we only get one chance at everything in life, and I hope that isn't right. Well maybe it is, and either I didn't have my chance at love, or I screwed it up royally and will live the rest of my life alone and depressed. Lovely thought that.

Today I told Joy I can't wait to truely fall deeply into love with the right person. To be completely swept off my feet like a princess. And I can't! Someone who I can rely on, someone who will be my rock, a leader, a fearless warrior, someone who would fight for me. Someone I can devote myself to, and be everything they ever wanted. I am beginning to think the reason I loved Jared was just to feel the soothing emotion of someone loving you. But since love is more about feelings, it is about decisions, consiquences, responsibility and lots of other stuff. Anyway. I will now shut up about my stupid ponderings.