Memo Posted On Fridge

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As it has been made abundantly apparent and proclaimed several times throughout the past month, the blame of the filthy—make that vile--office fridge lies with no one that works here. Apparently, a combination of gremlins, hoodlums and Great Ceasers Ghost seems to be cluttering the fridge with their respective messes. Whether it be leftovers, firstovers or exploding drink cans, they all in their own way, some more than others, contribute to the crawling bacteria pit we so lovingly refer to as the fridge.

It has been reiterated that it is “no one's fault” unfortunately, the lack of responsibility cannot extend to the cleaning of the fridge as well. Yes. Someone has to clean it. And that someone always ends up being Payroll. If you know otherwise, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Silence. That being said, or not said, rather. We shall proceed.

While Payroll appreciates the kindness of others for the responsibility, nay privilege, of keeping our illustrious fridge clean and has even tried to share the love, it has not worked. Payroll has decided, with much philosphising and pondering, to put into practice those famous words my father would often quote to me “With authority comes great responsibility”. After mulling over that for awhile, it dawned on Payroll that the great responsibility had come, but not the authority. And we are now claiming our authority.

New laws under the jurisdiction of squeaky clean Fridgedom enforcers:

Items in the fridge are to be clearly labeled as to their ownership. Labels and permanent markers can be used in the branding.

If an item is not labeled, it immediately forfeits all rights of citizenship and the Payroll gods can deport the aforementioned goods at their own convenience.

If the Payroll gods notice an item lingering longer than a week, even with correct identification and green card, the sponsor or owner of said item will be contacted as to the obstruction of the rotation of citizens in Fridgedom.

We welcome you and your food stuffs to Fridgedom, but please remember good citizens make a good country. We are looking out for the best interests of all citizens of Fridgedom and wish you a peaceful and pleasant stay.

We realize there will be complaints, and they may or may not be taken into consideration. In order to comply with the new regulations, you may need to petition the Supply Natzi for a magic marker. The only other accouterments needed are common sense.

Now since you all have read this and laughed at my horrifically hurried grammer you might be interested in knowing after I passed this out with the appropriate titles. Such as "Supply Natzi" and "Queen of All Things Bitchy" someone had the audacity to be upset, not because I called them lazy and irresponsible or gave them a mocking title. But because I had:

"Disrespected the deceased person who gave us the fridge. They did not even give the company the fridge, they gave ME the fridge and Bob had the audacity to put it up here with young punks like you who do not value it!"

Your right. I do not value your fridge, which is why I just cleaned it out, wiped it down, threw away moulding and rotting food and then wrote a memo to keep your DECEASED LOVED ONES FRIDGE CLEAN.

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.

the past


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