Carefully Planning My Assault

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I know you all have been wondering for quite some time how I manage to survive at work. You have to understand, the reason everyone work still loves me is I manage to depict myself as delightfully sweet with funny atictodes. No one takes my meanness seriously, they always think I am joking. Which is fine, I let them think that. But I further the sweet image by doing what works with all women:

Bribing them with food.

Not OVERT bribery. Very subtle. For "no reason", I will bake cookies and bring them into work. Or a cake. On a hot day, I will pick up Italian ice for everyone. Consequently, (even though Italian ice requires ZERO cooking) I am known as sweet, cute and a good cook. Which is why the bevy of unmatchable males are always dragged my way. "She may be a bitch evil person capable of rendering you speechless, but she can cook."

Whenever there is a birthday, one paticular person always bakes a cake for the birthday person. No one really likes her cakes. In fact, I have started a support group wherein we all scrape our icing of together and try to hide our oversized slices without being spotted. But for some odd reason, her cakes are legendary. And she takes pride in this. So, the one time I mistakenly and innocently brought in a cake for someone's birthday, I was quickly put in line as to WHO does and WHO DOES NOT bring cakes for birthday. It was made clear I fell into the latter category.

I figured she is a evil wench who will chop me into a thousand pieces harmless old lady who is lonely and appreciates the affirmation, until, one day, I made a cake WHEN SHE WAS NOT HERE and brought it in. Big mistake. She HEARD about it. Not only did she hear about it, but she heard the glowing accolades that accompanied my cake which did not include buttercream icing or blue food dye. And because of this, I was shoved from the Nice list, to the Naughty Poisoned Cake list. But, because of a serious of apparently tragic events she has TEMPORARILY relinquished her crown to me. And I am going to make it so very worth it.

Tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen, they will be dining on:

Raspberry Whipped Cream Truffle Cake

I think this should make up for my lavishly evil behavior as of late.

1 Responses to “Carefully Planning My Assault”

  1. Blogger Jon37 

    Unless it has blue food dye count me out.

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.

the past


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