Mealy Mouthed Little Buggers

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That is what I almost called the screaming child seated two tables away from me at lunch.

For those of us who have chosen not to fill our arrow quivers, be fruitless and NOT mulitply to replensh the earth, I think we deserve a little peace and quiet while we eat our salads.

After all, we were not the ones foolish enough to think that at twenty-something we could juggle three misbehaving toddlers. Nor were we under the impression that taking the monsters to a restaurant and feeding them over-priced peanut butter and jelly would make life any better. Because, we, the wise single people, realize that children are hazardous. We understand that people who choose not to have children, have made that decision for a reason. Namely, PEACE AND QUIET AT LUNCH.

I realize that you, the Harried Housewife, think you are going to enlighten me to the blessings of children and all their precious smiles and giggles. But, you know what?! Tommy just threw creamed carrots on my wool suit. So. Even though I valiently smiled and pretended it was alright, all the while I was thinking that you really need to keep this tiger in a cage and hire a nanny.

Do I LOOK LIKE I CARE that I am missing out on eternal happiness and stretch marks? AND, JUST FOR THE RECORD, when I DO procreate, I WILL:

a. starve them into submission

b. beat them into behaving

c. dump them on a doorstep

You really might want to think twice when encouraging random strangers to reproduce.

2 Responses to “Mealy Mouthed Little Buggers”

  1. Blogger The Peter Files Blog of Comedy 


    That's what you think now! If and when you procreate as you try to distance yourself from parenthood by calling it, you will have this moment right after the birth where you look into these warm little loving eyes that belong to you, that you made, that are part of you, pork and all and no one else, that loves you with all his or her heart and is totally dependent on you for everything and is the most beautful creature that you have ever seen.

    Just wait, for in that moment, your heart will expand so many sizes that the world will start spinning and your heart will split and suddenly you will realize that the most important part of it is now alive and outside of your body and that the only important things in life surround it.

    And it will be wonderful.

    Of course, sometimes you will be so frenzied by the fatigue of chasing the darn kid(s) that you will have to get out of the house or die of isolation and or starvation for something besides the plain fare that they will eat so you take them with you to a local eatery where you feel it is a sucess if they keep from howling until you can chug the main course down, get the check and desert packed up to go without one of them vomiting on a single person there who you are sure has no idea or sympathy with what your like is like, nor no clue about how you would never, ever, ever trade it for anything, or any existance in the world you love your darling(s) so very much poopy darlings and varying tempers and temperatures and all.

    Hope you get to have this experience. I waited a long time. God I love it, now.

    If nothing else, parenthood gives you a nice dose of humility now and then.

    Enjoyed your blog immensely, hope you can come visit mine, which has nary a story about diapers or poop.

    Peter, The Peter Files Blog of Grown-Up Comedy and Satire That is Still Safe For Work

    Milk Snorting Posts

  2. Blogger The Peter Files Blog of Comedy 

    Oh, see my link to Pulp Fiction in 30 seconds for Bunnies. I noticed that you liked the original in your profile. You might enjoy this amazingly faithful recreation, but with bunnies.....

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.

the past


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