Why I Crack Myself Up, Even When I Have No One Else To Talk To

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CoolBlackShoes: andreeew dahling!
CoolBlackShoes: andrew?
CoolBlackShoes: dahling?
CoolBlackShoes: what is this?
CoolBlackShoes: are you a newly minted mute?
CoolBlackShoes: or have you forgotten in the handy thing called away messages?CoolBlackShoes: ah!
CoolBlackShoes: or are you suddenly bashful?
CoolBlackShoes: and your blushing right to the bottom of your pink little toes and the top of your bald little head?
CoolBlackShoes: or! you have suddenly forgotten how to talk to girls?!
CoolBlackShoes: or this isn't really andrew at all! this is the person who murdered him
CoolBlackShoes: who happens to be bored after disposing of the body
CoolBlackShoes: and is lurking to see what friends he has the he could possibly kill next
CoolBlackShoes: oh yes. i like this idea best of all
CoolBlackShoes: so, Mr. Axe Murderer, do you think you could give me lessons?
CoolBlackShoes: i have some rather pesky people at work that need to be done away with
CoolBlackShoes: is that what you say in your line of work "done away with"? Or are you more kosher and say "finished". Either way, I am sure you do not end your sentances with prepoistions
CoolBlackShoes: and you probably spell prepositions right, at that
CoolBlackShoes: or is the murder business not too picky about your english? do you simply speak in gutteral tones when "offing" people?
CoolBlackShoes: do you call it murder business? Or are you corny, and call it the people business. (furious digging in the air with your fingers to form corny air quotes)
CoolBlackShoes: add a exaggerated melodramtic wink to that
CoolBlackShoes: i imagine you cower of poor, poor little andrew's computer, actually in the event that he has passed i will ever so lovingly refer to him as 'drew
CoolBlackShoes: so
CoolBlackShoes: i imagine you cower over poor, poor little 'drew's computer waving your bloodstained fingers over the keys while trying vainly to peck out a message to the fair maiden who wishes to talk to the poor mangled drew who lies bleeding on the floor
CoolBlackShoes: you now, most certainly regret the lack of determination you so effortlessly devoted to typing class of yesteryear
CoolBlackShoes: in case you are an educated man in the people business
CoolBlackShoes: you might acknowledge that i am making little, if none at all, sense of my words CoolBlackShoes: this was in a hope that all my conflicting illustrations would make your obviously disturbed brain explode
CoolBlackShoes: in retribution for poor, poor little drew
CoolBlackShoes: however
CoolBlackShoes: in the event that our assumed murdered drew is actually away from his computer
CoolBlackShoes: simply too rude or forgetful to let the general cybersphere know
CoolBlackShoes: i wish you, dear drew, since i am now speaking directly to you
CoolBlackShoes: a happy and uneventful good night
CoolBlackShoes: i hope that no one in the people business visits you
CoolBlackShoes: actually
CoolBlackShoes: random side note
CoolBlackShoes: today, at work, they said that we, in the car business are in the people business
CoolBlackShoes: makes you wonder about the night habits of car salesmen
CoolBlackShoes: yes?
CoolBlackShoes: me too
CoolBlackShoes: sleep well, good man!
CoolBlackShoes: and remember the moral to tonight's story?
CoolBlackShoes: behind every car salesman lurks an axe murder

Andrew is a delightful friend who is bald and funny. Apparently, someone was using his screen name to harass my sister, but the same mysterious person did not have the balls, er, guts to reply to my obviously annoying taunts.

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.

the past


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