Why is it that the people you love the most are the ones you WANT to hurt the most sometimes?

Take for instance, a certain loved person, who I will not name, who was driving me absolutely insane tonight. Telling me that I did not make time for them, and I was not flexible, and various other things, which may or may not be true, but were still entirely hurtful. Because for this apticular soul, I bend over backwards to accomidate them, and I rarely think they realize or reciprocate the same kind of effort.

So, instead of telling them off, which I came very, very close to. I sat there and thought all sorts of scathing thoughts about them, and just what I WOULD say if I did decide to tell them off. Afdter a hour of mean thoughts, I felt quite repentent. So I apoligized in very meek tones for speaking harshly. Though, in the back of my mind I was grateful I didn't say some of the things I was THINKING... The only problem with that method is a couple of things.

First, you get all these grand illusions of what a brave, confronting person you are. Because you can imagine yourself saying these things to people. When in reality, you are far from it. Second, it tends to not be great on the communication level. Because sometimes, you should tell people some things.

Anyway. Lately it seems I have been very impatient with everyone, and I feel rather badly. Of course, when they are aggrivating the fire out of me, it doesn't occur to me to feel badly right then. And, people who I love dearly, and try to make a priority in my life have been telling me that they feel I am doing just the opposite! What am I to do? I try not to be smother-y. Because I know how I can get and how demanding I can be. Anyway. I really don't know if any of this is making sense. Not that it would matter, because NO ONE READS THIS THING ANYWAY!!!

Today we went dress shopping with Theresa, and to look at the church where the wedding is going to be. It will be so lovely! And, I am getting a new dress for the wedding. Theresa is so much fun, and she is going to look absolutely gorgeous for the wedding. The tailor woman at the dress shop was rather annoying. After she told us about three times what a fantastic person Theresa is, she was like "You have no idea how great she is, or how lucky you are." I felt like telling this woman that yes, maybe we did have a idea.

After the hell-on-earth that we had been put through in our earlier years, yes, we might have a clue. But I didn't feel like being quite that mean. There were all these very coool dresses at the dress store. but I was getting rather depressed thinking how awful and fat I would look in them. But anyway, the church is very cool. Primitive, but cool. We girls were dicussing how it could be made cooler for our weddings. =)

Not like THAT is happening in the near future for any of us. The church is one of those historical buildings on state property. And the park/building is run by these weird lesbian look-a-alike old ladies who were beginning to freak me out. For my dress I am thinkiing something like... Marilyn Monroe's dress in Seven Year Itch. Because I am quite like dear Marilyn. Very... curvy. Or fat if you would like to put it less delicately.

Don't even get me started on the matter, lately even though I have been dieting, I have been so angry with my weight. I HATE the fact the my boobs are HUGE and no matter what I wear I look like some sort of Pamela Anderson wanna-be, minus the tattoo and nasty lips. I HATE the fact that black guys stare at my butt and I HATE the fact that Joy is skinnier than me. I could go into a whole list of things I hate. Starting with the way I look, and my personality, etc, etc. But it would be nothing new.

But then again, this is my blog, so if I so choose, I could post the very same thing every day. Novel thought! Anyway, this is getting dull. Not that that has ever stopped me from posting, but it will for the moment. I get to look forward to another hellish day at work!