I Now Feel A Certain Kinship With Hitler


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His feelings for wanting to exterminate and forever wipe off the face of the earth certain demographics was understood with startling clarity this weekend. Except, I am not racist. I happen to currently carry a deep prejudice against twelve year olds.

Cheeky little buggers.

At first. I tried. Really. To be nice, to win them and do all those fun older sister things. I did not yell at them when they set off firecrackers at twelve at night. Even though the neighbors did. When I was woken Saturday morning by the heathens POUNDING THE LIFE OUT OF MY PIANO, I calmly turned over and went back to sleep. I did not yell at them for jumping on the furniture, nor did I tell them to go to bed at a certain time. I made them cookies and EVEN TOOK THEM TO GET THEIR ATV FIXED.

But, there is something about the belligerent phrase "WOMAN! Fix me some food!" coming out of the mouth of these ungrateful creatures that just didn't sit well with me. At first, I ignored it. Then, I gently corrected. THEN. I TOLD THEM I WOULD PELT THEM WITH COLD WAFFLES AND THAT WAS THE EXTENT OF MY CULINARY ENDEAVORS ON THEIR BEHALF.

I did resort to threatening physical violence. But it was well-deserved. And well received. They studiously avoided me FOR THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON.



Just goes to show: Hitler was right. A few well-placed threats go a long way.


54 Responses to “I Now Feel A Certain Kinship With Hitler”

  1. Blogger steelcowboy 

    My father used to tell we kids
    "If you won't respect me, you will at LEAST fear me."
    We did.
    Both.

  2. Blogger TSG 

    Man, you skipped out on drinks for this? Damn, I feel bad for you.

    Next time, you better not leave me there with my head on the bar.

  3. Blogger Darth Fredd 

    For what it's worth, I kicked the offending party several times in the stomach.

    Remember, threats are useful, but enforcing them is the fun bit!

  4. Blogger Darth Fredd 

    For what it's worth, I kicked the offending party several times in the stomach.

    Remember, threats are useful, but enforcing them is the fun bit!

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.


I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.


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