My little brother and I are the two last remaining grandchildren that have any inheritance left from our Grandmother who died about fourteen years ago. Actually, for the past nine years, my siblings and I have been the only grandchildren left with any inheritance coming to them.

The trustees are my uncles, and even though I trust them--in theory, I sent my uncle a polite little email asking if my brother and I could receive copies of the statements. (We have asked that our father be the trustee, but they refused. There is no accountability whatsoever for the money. Except between the two of them.)

In reply, I received this:

Dear Porkchop:

Thanks for the well-wishes. We have had a good Christmas and New Years.

I thank God for "global warming" because think how cold it would be if we didn't have it.

As for the statements; they are being sent to me and your Uncle Dick. That is the obligation of the broker since we are the trustees of the account. They have no obligation to send statements to anyone else and normally don't do so.

I don't think it is necessary that you receive statements on a regular basis or any basis. That would just add an unnecessary extra charge to the account. Dick and I are the trustees and we think we are quite capable of making sure you get what's coming to you.

I arranged for your Mom to get some statements on a "one shot deal," one time. But that has ended. If you need to know the present balance at any time, I can e-mail that to you. Otherwise, it's just sitting there earning whatever it earns. We'll let you know if anything changes.

You and Fredd might do some serious thinking about what you plan to do with your money when you get it. That'll be quite a sum.

I have attached an article that I wrote for a newspaper about money and inflation. It might help you a little if you read it.

It is in both Corel Word Perfect and MSWord.

Love,

Uncle Dave

My imaginary reply:

Dear Uncle Dave:

I realize that you think I am completely ignorant and uneducated since I did not turn out like your daughters. As in--married several times, children by several different men and all chain smokers. I also realize, that, like your children, I have not finished college, so this makes me completely and totally inadequate to make daily decisions like what should I wear today? Should I wear the baby blue eyeshadow or the teal? Should I buy the double or the singlewide? Is it legal to sell foodstamps? Ah. Yes. The problems that life proffers us daily. Perhaps we could start emailing more often so you could help me out with that. Furthermore, let me assure you, my inferior education has allowed me to completely avoid understanding subtleties like condescension and arrogance.

As for the whole "money" thing. Don't worry. I have it ALL figured out. I am going to INVEST it all in crack cocaine. After all, that stuff never loses it's value, right?! Furthermore, if it does lose it's value, I'll just use it. Then I'll become all skinny and shit and can be like a famous gorgeous person! (If I can't use the crack to become super skinny, I'll chain smoke myself into the single body fat digits, similar to your lovely wife who seems to be dying of some sort of smoke induced disease.)

God bless you for your advice! You know, even though my father is a financial planner, he has never offered pearls of wisdom this valuable to me!

Love always,

Little Niecey Porkchop


***Disclaimer*** My uncle is actually a very intelligent person. However, his child rearing skills are debatable. And my Mom's family is dysfunctional at best. And they all think we children are weird because we were homeschooled. And they hate my Dad.