Tonight, I laid on the couch as I tried to go to sleep and I cried. Just cried.

As I laid there, I thought of how extremely selfish I have been, especially of late. Sure, I say I want to help people and do great things, but why? I really have this underlying desire to be rich, famous and lauded. I want to do something great with my life to change the world, yes. But more so, that I will make a mark in history.
How incredibly cold. How incredibly thoughtless. Forgetting all the grace I have been given, forgetting everything that has been so freely handed to me. Not wanting to help people, but wanting to hoard more.

Teresa mentioned tonight, that she watched a little boy walk out of school, clutching three cold, leftover corn dogs for dinner. Knowing that if he didn't fend for him, no one else would. Where has my compassion gone?

Joy spoke of a girl we used to pick up on the bus, she saw her today at the side of the road, pregnant.

Prehaps it is a overactive imagination, too much caffeine, or a genuine repentance. But suddenly, my mind was flooded with all those children who didn't have someone. I saw the little boy, his grim bravado of casual indifference, his eyes hugrey for love and acceptance, knowing that he will go home to no one who cares about him, much less his soul.

I saw the girl, her thin body barely past puberty, swollen with the beginnings of another life that she has no desire to perpetuate. Her eyes wide with uncertainty and fear.

I saw each of those bus kids, each of those junior church kids, each child I have seen that was less fortunante than me. And I instantly felt my skin crawl with the naked and raw selfishness I was displaying. There is so much that needs to be done to help so many people and I am mentally lamenting because I think life is to much effort?? Where do I even begin to help people? How can I genuinely help people??

Right now, more than anything I have said in the past... while. I want to help these peeople, not for me, not for my glory. But so that they can honestly say they know Christ. So the can feel filled, safe and accepted.

For the first time in my life, I honestly know what Bob Piper (founder of World view Missioins) meant and felt when he said "Let my heart be broken witht the things that break the heart of God."

My heart is so very hard, so very calloused and indifferent, but oh so sensitive to the things of the world. Where is my passion, my zeal and my love of Christ? Right now, all I ask is that the Lord will use me to show His compassion, His love, His unfailing mercy and that He would use me. I just want to be used.