I hate doctors.

The fact that they think just because they are more important in their own eyes, the eyes of the IRS and the eyes of society, they can make you wait FOREVER even though you had an appointment AN HOUR AGO. If I were smart enough, I would be a doctor, just for the power trip. There was a reason God did not make me smart enough, but I digress.

So, once I FINIALLY got in to see the doctor, they started making me do all sorts of horrific contortions that only a little chinese man who had slept with his head between his ankles since the age of FIVE should be able to do. So I twisted, turned and pretended for one brief and shining moment I was a normal human being who could function properly. All this WITHOUT DRUGS, special breathing exercises or an epidural.

As if that isn't impressive enough, they made me do this whole warped routine AGAIN and ask IS THERE PAIN? Hm. Let me see. Since the sounds of muscles ripping and bones popping, as I contort myself into a little human pyramid, has not tipped you off, I will get MY power trip by LYING TO YOU. So, I smiled, barely blinked and said THERE IS NO PAIN.

When they suspiciously quizzed my on my SUDDEN improvement in my back pain, I murmured about the profound effects of a new mattress and jogging. Don't know where I got jogging from, since I have vaguely thought about it in the past month and I haven't actually SLEPT on my new mattress since I have gotten it. But both of those things are insignificant since I also failed to mention the powers of MUSCLE RELAXANTS and street drugs.



My kind sir, I have but one question, IS THERE PAIN as you kiss your own well-paid ass?