Never Give Porkchop The Criteria Of "Anything"

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Right. So, they asked me to write a little blurb for the evening church bulletin. The evening church service is very low-key, mostly young people. When I pressed for specifics, this is what they said:

...I want you to write whatever you think people will want to read. I am telling you, do whatever you want. It can be spiritual or it doesn't have to be. It can be funny or sad. It can be a list of something that you think we should do on the weekend, or a cd review. All you have to do is get inspired.

In short, they are giving me CONTROL OVER THE MINDS OF ANYONE WHO WILL READ IT. Talk about the flower whoring possibilities... No! I will be responsible and cooperate. For once in my life.

I sent them this:

You have just witnessed the beginning of the end. The end of bulletins as you know them. No cute church sign sayings: "God Answers Knee Mail." No advertisements for parking bumpers—Free If You Pick Them Up. No "The Church Bazaar Has Been Moved To The Bottom Of The Sea, Never To Return Again" announcements. This is the new millennium of bulletins. The opportunity to lambaste, on paper, the lack of cookies, quality of coffee and people who DO NOT BRING VISITORS.

Consider yourselves warned. No sin, transgression or fashion faux-pas is to small to escape The Eyes Of The Bulletin. We believe that since God cares about everything, everything should be put in the bulletin. The only way for salvation in this particular situation is to submit any sort of suggestions, movie reviews, rants and raves or ideas that might temporarily distract The Eyes Of The Bulletin from their relentless quest for writing fodder.

Unless participation is rapidly forthcoming, you can look forward to The Quest for the Ultimate Red Lipstick, Life Lessons I Learned from a Amtrak Cop and I as bulletin subjects. The only criteria we enforce for story material is that it be slightly, vaguely and once-upon-a-time based on a true story.

Suggestions, fan mail and death threats can all be sent to

I am very proud of my restraint.

3 Responses to “Never Give Porkchop The Criteria Of "Anything"”

  1. Blogger Amber Lynn 


  2. Blogger ariadneK, Ph.D. 

    This is classic! I want to link your blog on mine...if you're against the ide, let me know and I'll rip it down. :-)

  3. Blogger Robin 

    Ahh, the power of the written word...

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.

the past


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