With A Bit Of Work, My Career Options Could Be More Lucrative Than Legal-Part 1

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I would like to fancy that with a childhood a bit more troubled, I would have been a con artist. I say I like to imagine this, simply because I know that I am not nearly slick enough to pull something of that magnitude off. Occasionally, even my sisters have such aspirations, but they normally discourage and even repromand for such activities. My latest job, however, even they admitted it was a thing of beauty and skill.

This starts about five months ago. A few of you longer readers might remember Brad. Yes. That Brad. Because of scheduling conflicts, he was not able to deliver my promised/earned flowers within a decent time frame. Well, he called me on Valentine's Day and assured me that I would eventually be getting my flowers. Right.

About once a month, he calls me and lets me know I will be getting my flowers. Soon. Right.

He starts IMing me more frequently and lets me know he WANTS TO GO ON THIS DATE so he can give me these flowers. Right. So. I was going to be in his area (two hours away) and I mentioned it, since, five months later and I was still flower barren, I thought I might as well GET THESE FLOWERS I EARNED, PLUS INTEREST. So. We set this date up. Two weeks in advance.

I clearly lay out the guidelines. I am to show up, look cute and provide conversation. He is to show up, know what we are doing, and bring me flowers. Easy. Simple.

A week before this date, he IM's me, letting me know that he is terrified of going out with a beautiful woman. He doesn't know if he can appear in public with me. I assure him all will be well and we can cut it short of necessary. A few days after that, we have this IM exchange:

Brad: i think i'll probably fall in love
Me: prepare to be gravely dissappointed
Brad: ok, wanna put some money on this?
Me: i am sure you will run screaming in
the opposite direction
Me: trust me
Me: it happens as soon as i open my mouth
Me: and i say something predictably
scathing and unkind
Me: as well as sarcastic
Brad: well thats your fault then
Me: maybe i do it on purpose
Brad: so if you plan on being rude, what is the point?
Me: brad
Me: why do you THINK
Me: to get my FLOWERS
Brad: well i dont give flowers to jerks
Brad: so you'll have to be nice to me to
get them
Me: you already PROMISED them to me
Me: and in case you cannot tell
Me: i am kidding

This conversation went on, me promising to be nice, and him completely missing my sense of humor. He also reiterated that he was sure he was going to fall in love with me. It was at this point, I realized I needed to be bracing myself for a looooong evening.

The appointed day arrived. I had a paticularly long day of at work. After I managed to get lost, I was late. I didn't have a problem with this, I arrived, covered in kiddie drool, in oversized sunglasses, but trying to be smiley, entertaining and in good company.

We met at a central point... the mall. If I was familiar with the area, I would have suggested something else. But this was, after all, his job to plan the date, so I was not about to complain. Getting him to take leadership was like pulling teeth from a crocidile. Possible, but painful. Since he owed me flowers, I was expecting him to already have them. I meet him and he is empty handed. I brushed this small detail aside, flashed my brightest smile and asked what we were to do.

He looks at me blankly and askes "sooo, what do you want to do?" I was slightly irritated because I had repeatedly emphasized to him that it was his job to figure this out, and this also happens to be a huge pet peeve of mind. Not trying to be a brat, I brightly spouted "whatever you have planned..." He then suggests we go Mother's Day Card shopping.

No comment.

I picked my card out in three seconds. He read it, and did not find it funny. Whatever. He then proceeded to take twenty minutes to select his corny card. Okaayy. (At this point I was totally kicking myself in the butt, because there are TONS of hot guys out shopping for gifts the day before mother's day. But I was not about to be one of those chicks on scams on other guys on a date. THOUGH I WAS SORELY TEMPTED.)

Once he FINIALLY finishes selecting his card AND purchasing it, he is all "Okay! What do you want to do??" I repeat the above mentioned phrase of Whatever You Have Planned.

He ponders for a moment. "Well, it seems a little early to eat, why don't go get flowers!" I informed him it was fine with me, I was game for whatever. His response being "Okay. Since I don't seem to be getting a negative reaction from you than that is what we will do."

Trying to deduct what a girl wants to do is quite stupid, I WOULD have eaten, since I hadn't eaten all day, but he didn't ASK if I was hungry. I wasn't about to announce it. HUNGRY! HUNGRY! HUNGRY! THE HUNGRY HIPPO IS RIGHT OVER HERE IN THE LINEN PANTS! And, at this point, I was seriously considering backing out of this date, and I didn't want to get started on dinner.

So. Flower shopping it is. We drive to a flower shop in the middle of godforsaken no where (we had been in the city.) As we walk up to the door, I notice that the hours of operation indicate they are closed. I casually ask "is this where you normally get flowers?" I am greeted with a blank expression and then him mumbling "when I googled for flower shops this is what came up." "Ooooh! So you have never gotten flowers, for anyone, ever, before?" He nods affirmatively.

1 Responses to “With A Bit Of Work, My Career Options Could Be More Lucrative Than Legal-Part 1”

  1. Blogger schmims 

    That is hilarious. As I'm reading, I'm thinking "Don't order the baked potato!" I went out on a date to this mom and pops place that is really good but really slow, as in they cook it when you order it. The potato took FOREVER! I mean, a girl can only go to the bathroom to reapply her lipstick so many times!

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.

the past


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