I Make Myself Sick

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As you well know, I definitely believe in being forthright and blunt. However, when the occasion calls, I can actually be sweet, if not saccharine. Thank you notes, is no exception.

I am of the school of thought that thank you notes are terribly classy and should be issued immediately for all appropriate occasions. Including the moving on to a new job. Unbelievably, I do not believe in burning bridges and actually fostering a little goodwill before I leave.

So, the thank you notes are being dutifully written. Some of them are quite heartfelt, and they don't include the words "DIE BITCH!" but others are a little more, shall we say, exaggerated? I mean, unless I was printing in three inch high letters, there is no way I would even be able to fill up the card. Some of the more memorable excerpts may seem like flagrent lies, but if you read between the lines, they are quite truthful.

I do believe I will be able to look back upon working with you as a turning point in my life.
It was at this point I became a cynical bitch and began hating everyone I met.

Thank you, thank you for everything! The support, laughter, encouragement and love.
Thank you for eating those hershey kisses, you have no idea how much that made my time here worthwhile!

I will never forget you, nor what you have done for me.
You live long and hard in my nightmares! Playing the classical role of blood sucking maggot!

You have inspired me more than you will ever know.
Because of you, I have taken a vow of never working again. I would hate to inflict on other innocent mortals the kind of pain and scarring you doled out to my once innocent soul.

The really sad thing about these cards is not the fabrication, but the fact they will easily believe them and probably shed a few tears.

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.

the past


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