God Did Not Design Me To Be Fit*

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*Because being fit requires coordination.

Something I do not posses. At all. So much so, that my trainer was laughing at me. I mean, really, while I may posses the faculties to walk in five inch heels, I cannot move four different body parts at once, breathe correctly AND COUNT!

He did try to console me when I was utterly bereft at my lack of understanding of ab exercises. He sweetly informed me that he had a 300 lb man get stuck. In the same machine I couldn't work. I asked him if this was really worse. After all, while he may have been stuck, AT LEAST HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING! The trainer informed me that no, this was not better. He didn't paticularly enjoy extracting men from the ab machine.

From this, I can logically conclude that if I continue as such, I will turn into a 300 lb man. Or fat lady with a mustache.

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.

the past


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