The Death Of A Car Salesperson:


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Barbie: older sister. the frugal one. the one who feels guilty spending a dollar
Porkhop: younger sister. the one who pays the heat bill. who is learning to be frugal.

Scene: apartment. two women bundled in sweatshirts, sweatpants and scarves. a cold wind whistles through the hallway. Barbie is opening mail, Porkchop typing on her computer.

Barbie: (excitedly) Congratulations! All our freezing paid off! Our heat bill is $25 cheaper this month!

Porkchop: Yay!

they go back to their respective tasks. Porkchop fingers start to get a little stiff from the cold. Barbie layers on a blanket and hunkers down with a textbook.

Barbie: (cautiously) I know you pay the heat bill and all... but, is the heat even ON?

Porkchop: (pauses) eh. no. after that warm weather bit a few days ago, I turned the heat off and opened my window. it's supposed to be warm Thursday. I don't want to re-heat the WHOLE apartment, just to turn it off and open the windows again.

Barbie: (frozen silence) er, right.

Porkchop: just layer on a few more blankets! here, I'll even give you your slippers back. this living room is starting to feel quite cozy, compared to the rest of the apartment, almost womb like!

Barbie: why don't we just LAYER SOME PLASTIC OVER THE WINDOWS AND CALL IT A NIGHT?!

Porkchop: stop being dramatic. we survived much worse when we were children.

Barbie: WAIT! Did you say you HAD YOUR WINDOW OPEN until a few minutes ago?

Porkchop: eh. mebbe?

Barbie: (snaps textbook shut and holds her hand near the lightbulb to warm them) you top even ME!


If we never post again, look for us cold and frozen on our living room floor.


5 Responses to “The Death Of A Car Salesperson:”

  1. Anonymous Memphis Steve 

    Hmm, you do realize the open window lets all that heat right on out, don't you?

    I only ask because I remember when I was young and single I had some neighbors who were giggly girls my age and they honestly didn't comprehend these sorts of things. And now my brother-in-law has married this girl from South Georgia, well she's just about as dumb as a rock. Anyway, I'm sure you knew this about the window. I don't know why I even asked. I'm going to send you some scented candles and matches. They don't give off much heat, but if you put your hands real close they'll smell like lavender or green apples. At least that way after you two have died you'll both smell nice.

  2. Anonymous vdoprincess 

    And smelling nice is good, especially considering that bathing is probably not a high priority when you live in a fridge.

  3. Anonymous Joy K 

    lol. That's great. props to you for lowering your heat bill...

  4. Anonymous Porkchop 

    MS- I do realize this. I know I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, but the long lectures from my father about leaving the windows open with the air conditioning/heat on, did sink in pretty well.

    vdo-- seriously. considering the fact you have to FREEZE dripping wet.

    Joy-- Yes. But we'll see how well it works...

  5. Anonymous Memphis Steve 

    I am sure that you and your family are all bright crayons. I just had to take full advantage of this opportunity to harass you. I enjoyed it thoroughly and I thank you for it.

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.


I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.


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