Miss America Commentary: Porkchop and Barbie Style


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This year you are treated to the delightful commentary of a washed up beauty queen and a professional pageant attendant, not to mention a expert on boobs. Having a much-commented-upon set of my own. (I would like to point out I am only a professional thanks to the washed up beauty queen. I do not attend pageants on my own accord.)

We were stocked with food and liquor. We were relying heavily on the effects of the liquor knowing we were going to NEED it. You think men are the only ones who use beer goggles? Think again.

We watched all fifty-two contestants introduce themselves and try to scream in a ladylike manner over the crowd, trying their best to introduce themselves to the cheering fans. I don’t know if they were cheering so much as chanting--Gladiator style. We boo and throw popcorn at Miss Delaware knowing this is the only time we are going to see her for the rest of the competition.

James Denton, our lovely host for the evening, announces the top ten and after allowing the girls to minimally weep and hate each other, informs us we get to see the most anticipated part of the Miss America Pageant next. The swimsuit competition! Did we all hear! Gather ‘round children. This is what makes America, America. We can all watch females parade across the stage in scraps of fabric and harshly judge them. We can compare thighs, butts and best of all--boobies! All this and it isn’t even pay-per-view. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

All the contestants come out on stage and start waving their togas/sarongs/diapers which had been previously tied around their waists like carefree vacationing Florida grandmas. I’m a little confused. Wasn’t this the part where they were supposed to strut about and show us their hard work of the past six months? Instead their doing what looks like a carefully choreographed bath towel tango. And people WONDER why I drink?! FINALLY, the top ten separate themselves out and showcase their self-perceived strong points.

Miss Washington DC looks like she should be committed to rehab for tanorexia. Darling, you are from DC for crying out loud! You’re allowed to be a little pale. It’s the land of political hacks and notoriously ugly women! Be proud, be strong, be free! SHOW YOUR STATE COLORS! Wait, you don’t have a state. I realize this might be the reason you seem to be having such an identity crisis on national television, but really, PULL IT TOGETHER WOMAN and remember your ROOTS!

Miss South Carolina proudly flaunts her concave stomach and her full set of ribs as she stumbles down the runway. Sweetheart, you are supposed to drink during halftime. None of this pre-gaming business. You’re supposed to put your best foot forward. I understand that you come from a state where everyone parties all the time, but if you’re going to drink, at least know how to hold your liquor!

Miss Oklahoma flaps her arms like a bird as she flies/stumbles/walks down the runway. We know this is painful for you, but you need to keep your feet firmly planted on the stage. Levitation does not make you walk any better, mkay?

Miss Virginia clearly has fake boobs. It looks as if oranges, nay tangerines, have been inserted under her skin ever-so-carefully as to give her a clear inch between her boobies when forming cleavage. With careful practice she might be able to hold a microphone or even a bouquet of flowers there.

Miss Georgia seems a bit confused. Perhaps because she is half Asian/half blond? She seems to be having a mid-stage crisis whether to portray herself as smart or pretty. Decisions, decisions. Damn thee! No matter what you decide dear, we do give you kudos for real boobs even if we were distracted from your boobs by your striking blue and silver eye shadow. But please decide what you are going to be before you walk off the runway…

Miss Texas has a killer body and shows us her girly bits. Apparently down south they don’t ascribe to the school of thought as they do in pageants up here, which is: always cross over your legs when walking. This eliminates any awkward gaping moments from being caught on camera. No worries here! Miss Texas is bright, confident and FLASHING IT ALL and stomping like a ranch hand. May I remind you, THIS ISN’T EVEN PAY PER VIEW and we get to see her girly bits!

Miss Arkansas has boobs that jiggle, no, make that giggle. Not because they looked like particularly happy boobs, but because they have taken on a whole life and personality of their own. And they are CLEARLY break dancing while she is marching down that runway. Freestylin’ it, yo! One word when you look at her: rack.

Miss Pennsylvania must be a fan of percussion instruments. If not, she needs to become a fan. Because any half-witted music minor could play a complete symphony on her xylophone ribs. Her boobs are fake, but I am so distracted trying to count her ribs and make sure she had twelve and not eleven. You know, to make sure she isn’t a man and all.

Miss Alabama has some serious lopsided and sagging boobage AND a blotchy mystic tan. But we will forgive her since she looks like she is about twelve years old and playing dress-up. Hell! In that case, we might even forgive the bright pink lipstick and clip-on rhinestone earrings. But what is absolutely unforgivable and distracting, something I keep screaming at and drawing attention to every time she walks on screen, is the amazing fact she seems to have disappearing eyebrows. They just sort of dissipate into her face like a vapor… I see your strategy! KEEP US COMING BACK FOR MORE, EH? Eh, no.

Miss Florida 2006? I think not. Miss Skin Cancer 2005 would be more appropriate. I want to beep when she comes onto the screen. BEEP!BEEP!BEEP! Skin cancer alert! Most likely to be old and wrinkly by 27! DING!DING!DING! The chicken’s done! Let’s pull ‘er out of the ole rotisserie. That some good eatin’, that right thar.

Now they line up. Oooh! Goody! We are being encouraged to compare them all. Let’s see… Miss Texas seems to be the only one that has the official pageant girl look DOWN PAT. The get-out-of-my-way-bitches-I-have-this-one-WRAPPED-UP. The rest of the girls are kind of stand there pathetically. Pick me! Pick me! Because I am sweet and pathetic looking, please?

Commercial Break: The Dell commercials…were they assuming smart people were watching or was it a vague tribute to the incredible resumes of the participants? Maybe they were just strapped for sponsors.

We’re back!

In the attempt to make the show “interesting” and “clever” they have field reporters in all sorts of uninteresting places to report to us what’s going on. First off is… Maine. A pageant party in Maine. Um, kay. HOLY SHIT! Men wearing crowns and sashes. We see a fat Miss Potato Queen and several women past their prime showing cleavage. Why are we in Maine? She didn’t even make it to the top ten? Of what relevance is this? Why am I being forced to see fat women fall out of their sparkly tops? We’re done here. We go back to our hunky host.

And we suddenly really like James Denton that much more as he humorously points out that the special Maine Pageant Party Field Report was incredibly unhelpful and irrelevant. You tell ’em James!

We get to see Miss Outstanding Teen 2005 who has a hideous dress on. Half flesh colored sparkles and half satin sack. Gofugyourself.com would have a heydey here. Oooh the delicious snarky possibilities. I could gorge myself endlessly on all this tackiness. Mmm.

We now see clips of the Miss America Girls strutting their stuff in Vegas and pretending to cutely stuff their faces. Erg. Yeah. We ALL believe that. After we saw your ribs three seconds ago. Come on, don’t we get to see the clips of them THROWING IT ALL UP? I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE INTERESTING!

We like James Denton again when he assures us the girls are judged on how they carry themselves and how they wear the dress. That they are not judged on the beauty of the dress. Ugly dresses will not be marked down. Why is this? So all the poor girls will be able to wear their $10 Salvation Army dresses and not feel bad about it? I know! It’s so all the blind/deaf/mute girls who could not pick out/hear advice/ask for help will not feel bad for their ugly dresses or their apparent inability to select something tasteful.

We are also told that the contestant will be escorted by someone special in their life--is this for the illegitimate bastard children who have no father to speak of? Or is this for those who want to be good children of Gloria Steinem and have their mothers walk them out onstage? This way they can be quietly compared to their mothers and everyone could say THEY LOOK SO MUCH BETTER THAN THEIR MOTHERS. GIVE THEM MORE POINTS! Eh, not really sure where this is going, but I think it could be fun.

Yeah. No evident disabilities here. Except in the tasteful clothing and makeup department. I would advice most contestants to claim a disability of the Am Color Blind and Taste Impaired variety.

Miss Washington DC cannot walk. She sort of half waddles, like she has a diaper on. A dirty one at that. As for the material of her dress, I’m not really sure what it is. Is it leopard? Is it zebra? It’s beaded! Wait! I know! I learned about it in Synthetic Fabrics and Tacky Taste class! IT’S MISS AMERICAN ANIMAL SKIN, THAT’S WHAT IT IS. I acknowledge the killer body in the dress and reject the tacky sham of a dress itself..

Miss South Carolina has a beautiful mother of the bridge dress. I give her definite points for classiness, but I don’t really know how classy it is to be able to see ribs THROUGH her dress. If you’re going to have a eating disorder, at least HIDE it. God! What do they teach these girls these days?!

Miss Oklahoma has a beautiful multi-purpose dress on. It could be bridal, it could be Vegas, it could be pageants! Or it could be a pageant girl getting married in Vegas! Class, what do we learn from this? What do all these things have in common? BEADS AND GLITTER! And tacky gay men! Once she gets to the edge of the runway, she waves her arms like a distressed child at sea. Help me! I have saggy boobs! Help me! I cannot lead with my hips! Help me! I lead with my boobs! Help me!

Miss Virginia has a rather fierce dress. Her boobs are rather, well, pointy. Like evil
mammaries. Like warring breasts. Like sharpened womanhood. It’s all very fierce and dreadful. Perhaps this is the second-base version of chastity belt. Boobs that will pierce your hands when you try and touch them?! It’s very disconcerting. On that train of thought, her whole dress has a rather disturbing medieval torturous feel to it. I’m guessing she wasn’t the most popular highschooler.

Miss Georgia is wearing a sparkling and festive curtain/cake creation. If a drapery shop and a bakery imploded and THEN had love child, her dress would be born. It’s sweet and frilly, yet upholstered and awful, ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

Miss Texas looks like the picture of smug pageant perfection, all the way. There is not a unbeaded or unglittered square in on her dress. A shimmering Barbie.

Miss Arkansas has viewable woman bits. We know that she is a woman,. Not a girl, not a boy, not a man, but a woman. Yes. I think myself and a few other million Americans can certify this. We all stare, entranced at the raw display of… I hate to say femininity, but womanliness? Of uteri and ovaries? Surprisingly enough, we are drawn away from this spectacle to view the dueling boobies. Ladies and gentlemen, new word that comes to mind when viewing her: BOOBS.

Miss Pennsylvania looks as if she is wearing a beautiful pale green valiance. Ah! I hate to be harsh. A beautiful pale green shower curtain. Her boobs point oddly, unnaturally. Like wayward lazy eyes. You just want to give her a good clout upside the boob/head and tell her to straighten out her eyesight/underwire. But, ever the clever keystatestonian she quickly sticks her leg out to distract from the ugly dress and the wayward flowers of womanhood. Here! See me waving my distended appendage. I am woman! See me wave!

Miss Alabama looks a little lost on the stage. She wanders in circles like a lost puppy. Thankfully, she finally hears the dinner bell and sniffs her way back home.

Miss Florida has not a sequin in sight! We are aghast at such classiness! At a pageant!. What is this? THE SECOND COMING? Has hell frozen over? Is someone doing triple lutzes down below? NO! Wait! We are mollified! There are stress lines across her stomach to assure us the dress is too tight. That celery binge she had is NOW SHOWING. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR EATING, BEYOTCH!

*whew*

We’re finished for the moment. We pour some more liquor and replenished our drunkenness. We are adequately prepared for the top five and the latter half of the pageant.

They are getting ready to announce Miss Congeniality! IT’S FIFTH GRADE ALL OVER AGAIN. James Denton blathers something about these girls forming “friendships that will last a lifetime!” This is not summer camp, James Denton. I don’t know who your kidding but living with fifty beautiful women for a week does not leave you wanting to build friendships. It’s leaves you wanting to learn the finer arts of poisoning, karate and death aerobics.


Why are we holding hands for MISS CONGENIALITY?! This isn’t important! This isn’t a crisis! WHY ARE WE CLUTCHING ONE ANOTHER? And why are we hugging? Miss Congeniality is Miss Hawaii. (Who has a freakishly weird way of saying the word “Hawaii“. Perhaps she is just trying to show off to everyone since she is a enunciation major.) James asks her to “tell us something we don’t know about [herself]” She takes the easy road out and completely ignores him. Instead going for the ever original “I’m speechless right now, I just want to say I love everybody!” Imagine that! A SPEECH MAJOR, SPEECHLESS! I wonder if she thought about the irony of THAT one?! I wonder if this makes her a failure as a college student? We can’t dwell on this to long, because we flash to…

Maine, again. James Denton almost rolls his eyes while they flash back. The field reporter has a look of resignation. Resignation to death. MY CAREER IS OVER! IF I CAN GET OUT OF THIS MIRE OF FAT WOMEN ALIVE, I WILL NEVER DRNINK AGAIN. I WILL NEVER SWEAR AGAIN AND I MOST CERTAINLY WILL NEVER CHEAT ON MY WIFE AGAIN. It’s pretty ugly. Chain-smoking old women wearing crowns and sashes, declaring their undying love for the Miss America pageant. Not to mention more fat and wrinkled cleavage falling out of their tops. Miss Potato Queen looks at us seductively. Not a pretty thing when coming from a 250lb+ woman.

We come back. The top five will be announced! Of course, they clutch hands and look scared together. After all, there is nothing better than going through this experience with fifty of your closest friends. Who would be more than happy to stab you in the back and watch you bleed.

Top Five Announced:

Miss Virginia doesn‘t look at all surprised. AT LEAST PRETEND, BITCH!

Miss Oklahoma feigns tearfulness and clasps her hands under her chin. She runs to Miss Virginia. They hug and weep on each others necks. YEAH! Getting a little girl on girl action, ON THE MISS AMERICA STAGE. Way to bring up those family friendly ratings, CMT!

Miss Washington DC I think would look surprised if she could. But it helps to actually be able to process and original thought. I don‘t really think that is her strong suit.

Miss Georgia the confused Asian is in the top ten! Much to her AND our surprise.

Miss Alabama gives hope to ugly girls with no eyebrows--everywhere!

Miss Texas looks like she is ready to kick somebody’s ass. Or at least have a little pistol dueling shoot-off, or SOMETHING.

The remaining five line up and are given some pretty serious questions, though they are assured they will NOT be judged on their answers.

What smell do you love? Miss Alabama looks a bit confused. Smell? Who thinks about smells when there are so many more interesting thinks to think about! LIKE MURDER, FIFTY-ONE DIFFERENT WAYS. But, she laughs prettily, like all southern girls should and assures us that in these last grueling months, she treasures nothing more than the smells of the food. Including ice cream sundaes. Who knew? ICE CREAM SMELLS! Leave it up to a starved Barbie to clue you in on the little jollies of life like scented ice cream.

What sound do you love? Miss Georgia tries to be the quick and clever crowd pleaser. Laughter, of course! Come on now! Everyone laugh. Silence. She gives a halfhearted fake girly goat laugh which could be misconstrued as a chuckle. It’s pretty pathetic and no one thinks it’s cute. We understand, she had a smart Asian moment followed by a blond one.

What TV show do you love? Miss Washington DC decides to play hardball and politely tells James that it ISN’T Desperate Housewives. We quickly see that this is a cover-up and she really DOES want to be JUST LIKE Gabriella, but we pretend we are fooled by her ruse. She says that her favorite show is CSI: Las Vegas. WAY TO BE AN APPLAUSE WHORE. She smiles smugly to herself and mentally gives herself an extra two calories as her reward.

What is the first thing you will do after the pageant, win or lose? Miss Oklahoma reminds us all why Oklahoma is a flyover state. Because apparently the best thing they have to eat there is french fries dipped in ranch dressing! She’s been craving them for months, like a pregnant woman. Besides the fact this is the SECOND time food has been unnecessarily mentioned in a onstage question. We begin to get a bit worried, we knew these girls were starved, but must we be constantly reminded? If they’re going to get fat, it had better be more than frickin French fries with SALAD DRESSING.

What are your pet peeves? Miss Virginia tells us that she doesn’t like to listen people who like to hear themselves talk. Which is why she proceeds to give a very long-winded response that didn’t really make sense and makes us all want to take up knife-throwing in hopes we could penetrate our television screens and somehow kill the blathering broad.

At this point, anyone could win. They’re all stupid! All slutty! And all ready to give some randy judges a little action! It’s anyone’s game and we are more than happy to watch them scratch their eyes out to get there.

Commercial break. Funnily enough, it’s another alcohol ad! I wonder if anyone else besides us finds this ironic. It seems every commercial break they are talking up some kind of booze. It’s no wonder. Since we are reverting to the original Miss America format of stupid girls in slutty dresses, I personally need all the liquid courage I can get. Why do I not find this as entrancing as some? Well, I’m not a horny hairy men, bi girls OR a lesbian. That leaves my enjoyment limited to ths snaky commentary category and we all know that gets better when loosed with a little liquor.

The washed up beauty queen sucks down another crown and coke. Laughing wryly and a little bitterly at the jokes I make.

We’re back! AND READY FOR ACTION.

Unfortunately, the first thing we see is the ugly backstage announcer lady. We get to see the five losers with their handlers, everyone looks a bit disappointed, but only Miss Texas was crying.

Talent!!! Dance, dance, DANCE revolution.

Miss Virginia howls out In His Eyes from Jekyll and Hyde. All my memories of this song have to do with a fat pageant queen giving up her title and singing it thirty thousand times. As gorgeous as Miss Virginia is, her voice sucks. At first, we thought it was a sound fluke. We‘re trying here. If this girl made it to the top five, she has to have something, right?! And then we realize she just sucks. Personally, I have heard better talent at the Miss Delaware level or actually, at the local high school talent show. Remember Drop Dead Gorgeous with Denise Richards? Yeah. We give her extra effort for the contortion of the eyebrows on the high notes, but really, it doesn’t distract from the fact we are now hurling popcorn at the TV screen for her sucking so bad. I’m having trouble understanding how she won at state level much less how she survived sound checks without all the other girls bludgeoning her to death with their nail files as retribution for their eardrums.

Miss Oklahoma twitters about the stage in a ballet number. She likes to flutter her fingers. and occasionally kick her legs in the air. They try to do close camera shots of her feet so we can be impressed with her fancy footwork, but unfortunately she is on the flat of her foot more often than the toe. Twirl, twirl, twirl tiny dancer, cause that sure is hell all your doing onstage. At this point, she has formed one huge twirling circle on the stage. She tires to engage us with a large Oklahoma smile. But, on behalf of our ballet friends everywhere, we cringe and throw MORE popcorn at the screen. You suck, tangerine boobs!

Miss Washington DC valiantly tries to tap her way into our heart. However, she succeeds in stomping her way out of our graces. We thought the whole POINT of tap was to tap in time WITH the music. Hmm. We feel as if she should be peddling us minty freshness or perhaps a strawberry flavored lollipop. Her dress, her tapping and her music all take on separate lives of their own creating a confusing onstage cacophony. When I look at my television, I feel very confused. I want to like her, really! She smiles very endearingly and is trying very, very hard. But she leaps confusingly about the stage and I can’t help but want to pat her head and hand her a metronome.

The announcer says there is more talent to come, but I ask, when does the talent BEGIN?! At this point, we have been treated to a elementary school talent show with girls in shiny dresses and large FAKE boobies.

We see a large concert piano onstage and have much hope. We have further hope knowing that the perfectionist Asian side of Miss Georgia is sure to be shown. Knowing a bit about piano, we are impressed with the fact that her piece is Chopin. Unfortunately, she has a dinosaur like zipper up her spine which completely distracts us from her opening arpeggios. (The washed up beauty queen came very close to performing this very piece for Miss Delaware, but her gay handler /trainer/voiceofdoom suggested a more “showy” and “well-known” piece.) True to the form of most piano performers, Miss Georgia has a ugly half dress/half pant suit on. For those of you who are completely unfamiliar with these atrocities, be ye glad, for your eyes have not been burned nor your fashion sense grossly offended. It’s like a peacock dress with pants. Yes, pants, with a skirt fluffing out behind. Very disturbing, I once wore something similar to an eighties prom. While we are impressed by her technical abilities, she does not engage the crowd. For those of you who are not very well-versed in piano and cannot appreciate the impressive yet dull performance, we do not blame you if you have quickly grown bored and try to set her train/tail on fire. We’d be right there with you if we didn’t think our piano teacher might hunt us down and torture us.

Miss Alabama…yeah, she sucks. If I were her ballet teacher, I might contemplate suicide at this point. Thirteen years (I’m roughly guessing) of ballet lessons and the girl can barely get on her toes. There is no variety. I feel like I am watching the same five second clip on repeat for two minutes. At one point, she actually twirls, flat on her feet. What is this?! Eh, I think the ballet teacher should not just consider suicide, but a murder suicide might be more productive and popular.

James Denton sort of commands/pleads with us not to go away, right after this commecial break we will be back with more boobies and BIGGER ones at that. I had high hopes for this pageant! And the only reason I am staying is so I can mock these bitches. (Dell quickly comes on screen to remind us they are sponsoring. After all, they are the ones who are providing the SIM chips for these Stepford Wives-to-be.)

They’re back! In evening dresses. You know, just so we can remind ourselves how much we hate them AND their dresses. We view their hair and remind ourselves that they have personally contributed to the hole in the ozone layer more than anyone else we know.

They eliminate two of the weakest links. Only three left. Let’s hold hands!

God help us if Miss Alabama wins. The longer I look at her, the more I think she looks like trailer trash spectacular. I did comment on her ugliness in the opening number, so don't think I have waited this long to be getting all prejudiced against her. While Miss Oklahoma actually looks like a beauty queen, she seems a little stupid. Who are we kidding here?A LITTLE stupid? Smarts have nothing to do with this, though it would be nice if it did, since they are getting thousands of dollars worth of scholarships. While we don’t openly hate Miss Georgia, she is kinda getting on our nerves. It’s a good thing the decision isn’t up to us, we might just throw them all offstage and draw new contestants from the audience.

Now we get to ask the aforementioned stupid girls questions. Wheee! Let’s all watch their brains fall out of their mouths while they speak. Wait. That means they would need to have brains. AHAHAHA! Now THAT'S a laugh!

The two contestants who are not answering questions are forced to put on headphones . Headphones! How… Star Trek! I was hoping they would plug their ears with their fingers and hum. Or perhaps go into a soundproof box where we would PRETEND to listen to the contestant answer questions, but in reality we would listen to the snaky commentary they were making from inside. Alas. We have headphones. James Denton tells us they will be listening to music while their competitor answers the question. Then he says a little something about forced country music being akin to torture and we all remember why we are all here. BECAUSE WE LOVE AMERICA AND COUNTRY MUSIC AND APPLE PIE! Er, right.

The question?

Describe a significant experience in your childhood and how it shaped your character.

Miss Alabama rambles about how dancing shaped her character. No mention of a ballet teacher suicide, however. I’m pretty upset about this. The woman calls herself a teacher and she is still living?! Why can’t we live in the U.S.S.R?! These sort of people are not allowed to survive and Miss Alabama would probably not live to see another day. But alas, I remind myself if this was the U.S.S.R, there would be no boobies for me to watch on TV. Nor would there be TV. So, I temporarily pretend I understand. (I was close, Miss Alabama has been dancing for SEVENTEEN years!)

Miss Oklahoma tells a heart rending tail of childhood. Surprise, surprise, she was an ugly duckling. Aww, we feel so sorry for you. You can relate to us, the common people, the ugly people, the people you were once a part of. She rambles about self acceptance, blah blah blah. Yeah. Which is why you now battle a eating disorder, right?! YOU GO, SELF ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES. Must be pretty hard when your Miss Frickin’ Oklahoma.

Miss Georgia decides to play the every popular RACE CARD and starts rambling about demanding asian parents beating her when she brought home bad report cards, which is why she is now a overachieving perfectionist. Ahaha! Just kidding. But you believed me for a second, didn’t you? She DOES ramble something about being half Asian, half American, something we ALREADY saw in her taped intro. We really don’t care, darlin’. Oh wait! She says when she was young she “knew there was something different” about herself. Was it the slanty eyes or the PARENTS WHO BEAT YOU? Don’t worry, if you hadn’t realized you were different, we would have realized it for you. You and your piano playing are the full of Asian American stereotypes, as are all your canned speeches.*

They all march offstage looking pleased with themselves.

We flash backstage and ask the three remaining girls a few questions which makes us hate them even more. They give sycophant answers and firmly establish in our minds that they are conceited. The interviewer reminds them that TWO of them aren’t going to win. But, hey! Have fun girls! Because, even though you just poured several grand into a couple of years worth of contests that are now culminated into this pointless broadcast, HAVE FUN EVEN IF YOU LOSE! Because it’s all about fun, right? Aren’t you having fun? HASN’T THIS BEEN FUN? GODDAMIT, SAY YOU’VE HAD FUN OR WE’RE KICKING YOU OFF THIS STAGE RIGHT NOW! EVEN THOUGH YOU JUST SPENT YOUR LIFE SAVINGS ON A WORTHLESS CAUSE, SAY YOUR HAVING FUN OR ALL THOSE LITTLE GIRLS WILL NEVER COMPETE AND THEN WE’RE SUING YOUR CRACKER ASSES. Suck on that, losers. Crownless, losers.

Another liquor ad. We drink up. (Particularly because I get three phone calls in quick succession from someone I did NOT want to hear from. Someone who makes me want to throw my phone out the window and move to the other side of the world. You know who you are.)

They all, and I mean ALL FIFTY-TWO OF THEM convene onstage . Unfortunately, Miss Alabama. missed the white dress memo. Everyone is wearing white, but her. She is wearing a tan sparkly dress. Perhaps she failed colors in kindergarten?

It’s time for Miss America’s farewell. She is in a dreadful shower curtain sparkly number that looks like something straight out of a department store. She keeps her farewell short, sweet and to the point. She seems like she is READY to get RID of that crown and go to medical school. (I don’t blame her, she has been the longest reigning Miss America. About a year and five months.)

We find out that Miss Alabama is second runner up! Thank GOD! I didn’t like her OR her disappearing eyebrows. They made me quite nervous, like she was doing magic tricks onstage and before we knew it, her CLOTHES were going to be disappearing.

James Denton reminds us that only IF Miss America completes her duties does she get to keep the money. Perhaps he was having flashbacks to Vanessa Williams, quite possibly the most-known Miss America, if only because of the scandal.

AND IT IS… DRUMROLL PLEASE…

Miss Oklahoma.

We feel bad for Miss Georgia because she is actually talented. And this is just another life lesson for her that the pretty dumb girls always win.

As Miss Oklahoma is crowned, we notice she looks a lot like Deidre (the Miss America crowning her) you know, that generic tanned sort of beauty queen beauty. Of course, she cries. They then announce to her “Miss America, the runway is yours”. She sort of flits, galumphs and stumbles in crazed circles. Apparently, the crown does not carry any special sort of magic, because she STILL can’t walk. Her parents magically appear to give their galumphing daughter their congratulations. She is then swarmed by all the losers who pretend they are SO happy for her when we all really know they are secretly sharpening their nail files and wishing her much death and destruction.

At least that’s what WE ‘RE wishing her. (And we didn’t even have to live with her for a week.)




*I have Asian friends. I do not hate Asian people. I realize Jesus loves everyone, as do I. Well, almost everyone. And the Asian friends approve of this message, so please spare the bloody hate mail.


5 Responses to “Miss America Commentary: Porkchop and Barbie Style”

  1. Anonymous vdoprincess 

    I missed out on the BOOBIES! But that's about it...

  2. Anonymous Porkchop 

    THe snark is so much more interesting if you sat through it all.

  3. Anonymous Beauty Pageant Memphis Steve 

    Wow, you typed a lot of words here!

  4. Anonymous QOS 

    strangely enough, i found myself thinking most of the same things.

    seriously - wtf with the random maine party?? did they win it in a contest or something?

  5. Anonymous jon37 

    Yeah, but the very sad part is I'd sleep with any of them given half a chance.

    Wait, if I want to, and they don't- is that half a chance. I mean half of us want to?

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.


I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.


the past

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