The Trouble With Doubt

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I tend to make decisions quickly and sometimes hastily. I often base liking someone off a first impression. I hate having long, drawn-out decisions. I like for it to be quick, like band-aid removal. While my debating may be short-lived, I normally am stubbornly enthusastic about my decisions, even if they turn out to be less than optimal. I don't normally look back on decisions, I just move on.

As I have matured, I try to debate a little longer and admit I was wrong a little faster and perhaps, gasp!, learn from past faulty decisions. Most of them do not trouble me, live and learn, I tried my hardest, next!

When it comes to the age old question of: what do I want to do with my life? I fret a bit more. I am preparing to go back (ugh!) to college. What do I want to do? What excites me? What will I be good at? What will challenge me? I want a challenge. I want excitement. I want to constantly be growing.

Thus far, I have pondered the question through the process of elimination. Mentally listing all the occupations/courses I have tried and haven't liked or haven't been good at. I can say that I have done my best at everything. So, if I was failing, that means it wasn't for me--or does it?

Let me explain my garbled train of thought.

Once upon a time, there was a nursing student. A very, very young nursing student. A nursing student who was engaged to a Marine and planned to travel the world with him. However, the nursing student was young and had her priorities confused. She found nursing to be very difficult, paticularly because her basic education in the sciences was rather weak. She was discouraged by setbacks, terrified by the competatity of the nursing program and distracted by the Marine. So she made quite a few good excuses and quit at the end of the year.

Since then, the (former) nursing student has been seeking what she would be good at and what she would love to do. There isn't a day that goes by where the nursing student wonders if she gave 110% or if she was just lazy. Secretely, the nursing student knows thinks she knows the answer.

The former nursing student is afraid that if she doesn't try medicine again, she will never know the real answer. But she is also afraid that if she DOES try and fail, she will have, well--failed. And wasted how much of her life?

The former nursing student is learning to live by the grace of God and doesn't need to see 1, 436 steps ahead of herself. She doesn't need to know if she is going to be a doctor or a nurse. But she unsure. And scared.

The different thoughts that are rattling around in her head are something like this:

Because I would have to work extra hard, does this mean I am not as bright? That it doesn't come naturually to me? That I am not cut out to do this? Or does it mean I just have to apply myself a little more? Give myself a bit more of a challenge.

How far am I really willing to put myself out there?

I realize this makes sense to absolutely no one but myself. Perhaps the sister I discussed this with. But really, I just needed to put in down somewhere to help me ponder. You may excuse my insane ramblings and chalk it up to hairspray fumes.

8 Responses to “The Trouble With Doubt”

  1. Anonymous Sarah 

    Go for it. I am a nursing student and loving it (most of the time!) No one can say medecine is easy, but it is one of the most rewarding professions ever!

  2. Anonymous Kelly M. 

    I totally relate to don't know me..but i got linked to joy's site through an editor's blog at relevant. Great writing and sounds like you are a fabulous person..yes snarky days and all...and that you have a wonderful family to boot!

    I am also a "temporary drop-out former nursing student" myself...I could have written this post...but you did. I took a break out of trying circumstances, health matters, and an utter lack of disillusionment as to my direction at the time. Should I go back and start over!? Or to try my hand at law school eventually... we'll see...

    Egads! Both hard decisions and PATHS (for that matter).. I find as always...God leads...If nursing is a continual grip on your heart (the kind you just can't shake) than His hand and your passion, determination and the wisdom with age/ mistakes shall see you through come what may... God bless!! I'll be reading and praying for you... Forgive my utter lack of grammatical yai yai! It is so going on 3:30 am (just got in~ unwinding:P )....and I just don't care about punctuation. I also considered an English major...GASP! :P

    Life is indeed a journey..but it's all 'trial and error' for most of us so don't sweat it. Take care!:) Kelly M. <>< (Western PA)

  3. Anonymous steelcowboy 

    The first step of faith is the one that takes us out of the boat and onto the surface of the sea...
    Trust in your Lord, and He shall instill trust of self, PC.

  4. Anonymous Porkchop 

    Sarah-- Thank you for the encouragement, if I DO decide to pursue this path... I will need all the prayers I can get.

    Kelly-- Now that is a bit odd! Because if I don't go back premed, I will most likely go for the political science/pre-law track. I do have a wonderful family and I know they will cheer for me not matter what I try. (Including the car business!) Leave your link so we can peruse your blog! Thank you for your kind words, you have no idea how much your prayers and thoughts mean.

    SC- Your wisdom and knack for wise thoughts... amazes me.

  5. Anonymous L. N. 

    No way!! You do not have compassion for anyone other than yourself. Miss Drama Queen!! No human being deserves to have a nurse with your psycho personality.

  6. Anonymous Porkchop 

    L.N-- Thank you for your input as to my career choices and future schooling. I know that you give me this advice with the utmost of intentions and a desire to keep the world a better place. Thank you for your care and concern, for the well-being of patients and myself alike.

  7. Anonymous joy 

    Oh, brother, more (practically) anonymous comments.


    Basic blogging decency, folks, use your name!

  8. Anonymous vdoprincess 

    Heaven help us--I think we can give a fairly good guess as to who "LN" is. And of course they wouldn't use their name--most people wouldn't when making a snarky comment. (Porkchop, of course, being the daring exception!)

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.

the past


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