If I Had To Wear A Uniform That Ugly, I Might Be That Grumpy Too


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This afternoon I slipped out of work to deliver the several boxes that are filling the backseat of my car to the post office.

I need to stop by the bank--of course since they are asinine bank employees and have the most marvelous hours possible, they were closed.

I dropped by one of the smaller post offices at 4:20. After standing in line for five minutes, I was told by the overweight and very unhappy man behind the counter that he would not process my order since I had eight packages. You know, because he closed at 4:30. I wanted to say

"NO, I do NOT know. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE TO GET HOLIDAYS OFF AND HAVE FANTASTIC HOURS. Furthermore, do you have any frickin idea what the phrase 'customer service' means?! NO, I DIDN'T THINK SO! And do you have ANY IDEA WHAT YOUR REFUSING HERE?! Cookies! FOR TROOPS. Troops fighting to keep your fat ass employed. THAT'S WHAT! I hope you sleep well tonight knowing that you got home to your big screen TV a full ten minutes faster and deprived troops of cookies for godknowshowmuch longer. FYI- If YOU were to come buy a car for me, I would probably have to stay a HOUR late, since you were too lazy to come in on time. HAVE FUN WASHING YOUR UGLY UNIFORM!"

But I didn't. I simply said "thank you" and walked out. Oh yes. Somehow I managed to work in a apology. I'm not sure what I was apologizing for. Asking him to stay late? Cluttering his air space with my presence? Offering to contribute to the TRADE AND ECONOMY OF THE UNITED STATES?! I did politely ask directions to the nearest post office that might be open a little later. He directed me to another quite a bit out of my way.

I left, simmering. (That's right Mr. Overweight Postal Worker, if you discover poisoned cookies on your doorstep, don't be surprised if their LACED WITH ARSENIC. Ah! Just saying that makes me feel better. I wonder how much better I would feel if I DID it?!)

I went to the next post office, pulled my eight boxes in with me and stood in line for another ten minutes waiting for three surly women to deem me acceptable to service my shipping needs. Unfortunately, that day never arrived. I waited. Waited. Watched them go on the lunch/dinner/pieholestuffing breaks and even sprouted a few grey hairs. I finally dragged myself and my packages out of the post office. Angry that I had wasted an hour. Angry that I had accomplished nothing. Angry that apparently no one knows what customer service is.

Now I have eight very large boxes of cookies sitting in the back of my car. I am quite afraid I will be jumped for the eatables. I came quite close while getting lost on the way back to work in the sketchy section of town behind the post office where vanfuls of "handicapped" people creep along and stop up traffic.

I really think the Unabomber was on to something.


5 Responses to “If I Had To Wear A Uniform That Ugly, I Might Be That Grumpy Too”

  1. Anonymous steelcowboy 

    USPS = Government.
    Need I say more?

    UPS = Service
    DHL = Service
    FEDEX = (expensive) Service
    Tell either of the last three what you are sending; it'll get there, and might even get their with a discounted cost involved.

    Seems funny that the private sector does a better job than the government, considering the troops are part of that same monstrosity. No? Not funny? Sad? Ah, yes. Sad.

  2. Anonymous idigak 

    ^^ except for the fact that being goverment, the USPS actually subsidises packages being sent overseas to our troops. sending them via the others is actually much more expensive!

  3. Anonymous Porkchop 

    I finially shipped the packages (through USPS) and did not recieve any kind of discount...

    That's ok. All the thanks from the veterans waiting in line to recieve their mail and pension checks was quite enough.

  4. Anonymous jon37 

    yes you did- if you sent them to an APO adress you only paid shipping inside the USA- the Govt picks up the tab for then lugging them overseas.

    Actuall,y in some case it is really not the postal employees fault. It is their managers. The USPS has been steadily trying to cut back staff hours and mandates they close on the dot- so as not to spend a penny in OT. They stay later, they get in trouble.

    I regularly have concversations about the stupidity of USPS management with friendly employees. The managers get big huge bonuses for cutting back staff hours, so they cut back far too much, leave one person to work a 4 person job, and take home extra money.

    Advice- geta scale and use their on line postage printing service. They you can (for in USA things) just walk in and hand over the packages and stroll out.

    I would have found the grafitti funny. And good for you to send them.

  5. Anonymous Porkchop 

    I think I'll use UPS next time...

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.


I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.


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