there i things i just don't do: children. pets. talkingaboutfeelings.

i was the kid in the first grade who told everyone their wasn't a santa claus... and in the second grade... even when under treat of bodily harm by the older kid's siblings. it's all about the truth, baby. i just can't deal with emoting and spready the gooey lovliness of emotions everywhere. "we need to talk about our relationship" conversations never happen with me. in fact, i'd rather have a dog come stay with me and spread their awful fur over all my suits than talk about feelings. i'd rather have to entertain a brat than talk about my feelings. well, that might be a bit of a stretch.

however, men, in all the denial of emotion DO like to talk about their feelings. something i find terribly disturbing. not because they want to talk about it, but because they want ME to talk to them about MY feelings and THEIR feelings andletsalljustfeelandhug! yay! hell, whatever you do in the privacy of your own home and out of my earshot is fine. just don't inflict it on me. paticularly when our relationship is work-related.

here is my story.

my job involves relationship building with lendors. basically, i have to benice/sweettalk/browbeat them into doing me favors. this is highly leveraged by how much business i send them. however, i have around fifteen different lenders i have the choice of sending business to. each with different specialities. however, i favor about three or four of them and send them most everything. it's a give and take relationship, but to sum it up, it pays to be nice to me because i feed you business, which, in turn feeds your kids.

part of their job is to schmooze with us. come out, wine and dine us, say nice things and make them send us business. one of the lenders, let's call it MonkeyTree, has a supervisor, let's call him skyler, who i absolutely loathe. he is married. very perverted. very annoying. quite some time ago, he made a very very inappropriate comment which i found very very offensive. i told him so, but have since kept my distance and been terse and short in our communication.

i have another contact at the bank, let's call him john, who i deal with for all my business with MonkeyTree. while john isn't perfect, he's better than skyler. skyler is very unhelpful with almost all business. when i ask a question, i want an answer. not a fifteen minute speech as to why you can't answer my question. john has visited our office a few times, taken us out for drinks a few times and apparently considers us "tight". he is engaged, not that you would know it. last weekend, we went out for drinks, i dragged along lesister and lefriend. drinks turned into a frat party. the only reason i stayed was purely for blackmail reasons on monday morning.

this weekend, john came into town, again. of course, now that we are "tight" he wanted to meet for drinks again, but i really don't enjoy hanging out with engaged frat guys, so i passed on the invite. he said he would call me anyway. i was planning on ignoring his call.

i happened to run into him when catching an afterworkdrink with lesister and lefriend and ignored him. ignoring him as in: i didn't go over, break through the circle of sorostitues and scream "HI, JOHN!!" he didn't approach me, i didn't think i needed to approach him. at one point, lesister and lefriend said hi to him, having met him before. he eventually breaks away from the fawning/groping/adoring masses and comes over to say "hi" and find out why i'm "ignoring" him. generally irritated at life in general and MoneyTree (i had earlier had a very terse conversation with Skyler which resulted in me not exactly hanging up on him, but not giving him a chance to say goodbye) , i apparently said something that deeply wounded john's feelings. he slunk away.

end of story. we'll chat monday. or so i thought.

this morning, i get a call from lesister2 (who used to work with me) and she tells me that i must have done something to gravely offend john because he is very upset and is coming in to talk with me. um.kay. also, skyler is apparently *gravely* upset with me and is threatening to "cut our office off". um. ok?

my first instinct is to tell john to stop being a little girl and having hurt feelings. then, call skyler and say "please! cut me off! i'm sick of dealing with you. but before you hang up, can you transfer me to the manager who i need relay all your inappropriate and perverted comments to." (i also happen to know, even though i'm not supposed to, that skyler is being sued for sexual harassment.) then, go to my manager, tell him the story, which would absolutely enrage him and he would then cut THEM off.

i think that would solve the whole situation quite nicely.

lesister2 talks me down off my firebreathing ledge and convinces me for the good of the company to smooth things over, don't ask me why. so, john comes in and "apoligizes" which comes out something like "i'm sorry i didn't call you. you hurt my feelings. i am so upset. why are you mean to me? feelingsvomitfeelingsvomitfeelingsvomit." i soothe is battered ego and apoligize citing a bad day at work, family stresses and whatever other bullshit reasons i can think of. i also casually mention i was "so stressed" yesterday and was very short with skyler. i "think i'd be the right thing to do" if i called and apoligized. so everyone was all prancing lambs, fluffy clouds and sparkly rainbows. yay happiness and togetherness!!!

are my eyes turning brown yet? because i am full of bullshit.

to top off my indignity, as if lowering myself to pretend i cared about john and skyler's feelings, coddling the egos of grown men and all that happy horseshit, wasn't bad enough. lesister2 calls me and congratulates me on a sucessful summit. how do you know it was sucessful i ask?

apparently, john texted her "the chat was lovely. porkchop just needed a little heart2heart."

cue vomiting and self loathing.

so, apparently, i do feelings now.