they call me a pistol, not the sex kind


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there i things i just don't do: children. pets. talkingaboutfeelings.

i was the kid in the first grade who told everyone their wasn't a santa claus... and in the second grade... even when under treat of bodily harm by the older kid's siblings. it's all about the truth, baby. i just can't deal with emoting and spready the gooey lovliness of emotions everywhere. "we need to talk about our relationship" conversations never happen with me. in fact, i'd rather have a dog come stay with me and spread their awful fur over all my suits than talk about feelings. i'd rather have to entertain a brat than talk about my feelings. well, that might be a bit of a stretch.

however, men, in all the denial of emotion DO like to talk about their feelings. something i find terribly disturbing. not because they want to talk about it, but because they want ME to talk to them about MY feelings and THEIR feelings andletsalljustfeelandhug! yay! hell, whatever you do in the privacy of your own home and out of my earshot is fine. just don't inflict it on me. paticularly when our relationship is work-related.

here is my story.

my job involves relationship building with lendors. basically, i have to benice/sweettalk/browbeat them into doing me favors. this is highly leveraged by how much business i send them. however, i have around fifteen different lenders i have the choice of sending business to. each with different specialities. however, i favor about three or four of them and send them most everything. it's a give and take relationship, but to sum it up, it pays to be nice to me because i feed you business, which, in turn feeds your kids.

part of their job is to schmooze with us. come out, wine and dine us, say nice things and make them send us business. one of the lenders, let's call it MonkeyTree, has a supervisor, let's call him skyler, who i absolutely loathe. he is married. very perverted. very annoying. quite some time ago, he made a very very inappropriate comment which i found very very offensive. i told him so, but have since kept my distance and been terse and short in our communication.

i have another contact at the bank, let's call him john, who i deal with for all my business with MonkeyTree. while john isn't perfect, he's better than skyler. skyler is very unhelpful with almost all business. when i ask a question, i want an answer. not a fifteen minute speech as to why you can't answer my question. john has visited our office a few times, taken us out for drinks a few times and apparently considers us "tight". he is engaged, not that you would know it. last weekend, we went out for drinks, i dragged along lesister and lefriend. drinks turned into a frat party. the only reason i stayed was purely for blackmail reasons on monday morning.

this weekend, john came into town, again. of course, now that we are "tight" he wanted to meet for drinks again, but i really don't enjoy hanging out with engaged frat guys, so i passed on the invite. he said he would call me anyway. i was planning on ignoring his call.

i happened to run into him when catching an afterworkdrink with lesister and lefriend and ignored him. ignoring him as in: i didn't go over, break through the circle of sorostitues and scream "HI, JOHN!!" he didn't approach me, i didn't think i needed to approach him. at one point, lesister and lefriend said hi to him, having met him before. he eventually breaks away from the fawning/groping/adoring masses and comes over to say "hi" and find out why i'm "ignoring" him. generally irritated at life in general and MoneyTree (i had earlier had a very terse conversation with Skyler which resulted in me not exactly hanging up on him, but not giving him a chance to say goodbye) , i apparently said something that deeply wounded john's feelings. he slunk away.

end of story. we'll chat monday. or so i thought.

this morning, i get a call from lesister2 (who used to work with me) and she tells me that i must have done something to gravely offend john because he is very upset and is coming in to talk with me. um.kay. also, skyler is apparently *gravely* upset with me and is threatening to "cut our office off". um. ok?

my first instinct is to tell john to stop being a little girl and having hurt feelings. then, call skyler and say "please! cut me off! i'm sick of dealing with you. but before you hang up, can you transfer me to the manager who i need relay all your inappropriate and perverted comments to." (i also happen to know, even though i'm not supposed to, that skyler is being sued for sexual harassment.) then, go to my manager, tell him the story, which would absolutely enrage him and he would then cut THEM off.

i think that would solve the whole situation quite nicely.

lesister2 talks me down off my firebreathing ledge and convinces me for the good of the company to smooth things over, don't ask me why. so, john comes in and "apoligizes" which comes out something like "i'm sorry i didn't call you. you hurt my feelings. i am so upset. why are you mean to me? feelingsvomitfeelingsvomitfeelingsvomit." i soothe is battered ego and apoligize citing a bad day at work, family stresses and whatever other bullshit reasons i can think of. i also casually mention i was "so stressed" yesterday and was very short with skyler. i "think i'd be the right thing to do" if i called and apoligized. so everyone was all prancing lambs, fluffy clouds and sparkly rainbows. yay happiness and togetherness!!!

are my eyes turning brown yet? because i am full of bullshit.

to top off my indignity, as if lowering myself to pretend i cared about john and skyler's feelings, coddling the egos of grown men and all that happy horseshit, wasn't bad enough. lesister2 calls me and congratulates me on a sucessful summit. how do you know it was sucessful i ask?

apparently, john texted her "the chat was lovely. porkchop just needed a little heart2heart."

cue vomiting and self loathing.

so, apparently, i do feelings now.


5 Responses to “they call me a pistol, not the sex kind”

  1. Anonymous DarthFredd 

    When I first started reading this, I thought you had been raped. I was relieved when I found this was not the case.

    It would seem, however, that your sense of dignity and self has indeed, been violated on an equivalent level.

  2. Anonymous lauryl 

    wow. that's all i've got to say. except that your skylar makes me think of gross roman at my work, a "manager in training," who is married, has a whole bunch of kids (my friend lee and i speculate as to how much a woman must want children to be willing to do the nasty with greasy, fat roman), and talks about other women's boobs all day long. he also says that a woman's place is at home making dinner for her men. excuse ME?

  3. Anonymous colanderman 

    I concur with Fred...you have been violated. Despite your recent company training regarding sexual harrassment you have described an excellent example of a hostile work environment.

  4. Anonymous Kat 

    Aiiish, those freaks. That frat boy. Aiish. Don't you hate jobs where it is your professional duty to kiss up to things?

    I also like how you describe situations in visual imagery evocative of Lisa Frank stationery at its height.

  5. Anonymous katylove~* 

    i arrive w/ the completely unrelated comment:: sending you a wish that my dog didn't get hair all over your lovely clothes. my apologies and hopes he doesn't make it on any black lists.

    my eye is a little sore from the kitty scratch, so i concede on the fact that they must be demons. but i still like them.

    ~*

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.


I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.


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