Best Pick-Up Exchange Of The Day


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*Porkchop typing furiously at her desk, looking terribly busy*

Interested Male Of Interesting Orgin: How are you?

Porkchop: Fine. You?
Interested Male Of Interesting Orgin: Awful. Don't even ask.

Porkchop: *silence*

Interested Male Of Interesting Orgin: I'ma looking for a girlfriend.

Porkchop: *silence* *stares at her computer screen*

Interested Male Of Interesting Orgin: I'm awful tired of being lonely.

Porkchop: How interesting. *types faster*

Interested Male Of Interesting Orgin:So. What are you doing tonight?

Porkchop: Painting.

Interested Male Of Interesting Orgin: Painting?

Porkchop: You know, painting. Work. Paintbrush. Spreading latex across a relatively flat surface?

Interested Male Of Interesting Orgin: *grunts disgustingly* What are you painting? I would love to help.

Porkchop: Something incredibly dull. With horrible fumes. That will kill you.

Interested Male Of Color: Oh. Well. Too bad you are busy, I was going to suggest we do something, you know, like, me take you out.

Porkchop: How interesting. I never would have guessed. Well, terribly sorry, but it will never work out.

Interested Male Of Interesting Orgin: Never?

Porkchop: Never. I am very busy. Lots of floors to paint.

Interested Male Of Interesting Orgin: Oh. Well. If you ever get bored, you know, like, call me. And we can do something.



Yeah. And if I ever, like, want to get date-raped, I will be sure to give you my number.


5 Responses to “Best Pick-Up Exchange Of The Day”

  1. Blogger Memphis Steve 

    OK, by God, you've reminded me of something and now I've got to blog it.

    I used to know a girl whom I think must have been similar to you. Your 1 photo of yourself looks a lot like her. She was about 5'9" with blonde hair about to her shoulders and super cute. She'd attract a crowd in no time. Anyway, she got hit on constantly. In college we had several classes together. In computer lab she'd be working away like mad and I'd see out of the corner of my eye some Star Trek fan suddenly spot her. His brain would go into hyperdrive and his heart would nearly pound out of his chest. Animal instincts would compell him to approach her. But he had nothing to say. OK, this is just whirling in my head now. I've got to blog the rest of this.

    So anyway, I'm sure it's a burden being pretty, but consider the alternative. At least when you're pretty you can just use the pepper spray to ward off the geeks.

  2. Blogger Porkchop 

    Unfortunately, I am not 5'9", blonde and gorgeous.

    And the guys that hit on me tend to be weird, weird people.

    But, I appreciate the thought behind it. Really.

  3. Blogger Memphis Steve 

    Well, most of the guys hitting on her in the Computer Science department were Star Trek/Monte Python geeks with the charisma of a shaved possum wearing thick glasses. But the guy who hit on her the hardest was her husband's friend, or so-called friend. He was relentless. He was the only one who would actually break her down and make her run out of the room. The rest of the guys knew her in high school, too, and had crushes on her. She handled it well, except for that one guy.

  4. Blogger TSG 

    No wonder I can't get a date... I don't have any pick up skills. Fuck. I should have read this months ago - it would have saved me a fortune in vodka and therapy.

  5. Blogger Porkchop 

    Dude. It totally works. can't wait to tell you how much fun I had painting my floor tonight...

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.


I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.


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