I Am A Amish Descendant, Who Drives Tractors Nekkid And Still Doesn't Watch TV


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Do you think that is a good essay title? I have had to fill out five hundred and thirty different college applications. Because I am a transfer student, that involves pulling transcripts from two different colleges, filling out the applications, writing out the essay PLUS finding all my high-school crap.

So, I have this one last essay I am supposed to write, to the college I am actually going to go to. I know I will get in if I simply WRITE THIS FREAKING ESSAY. But, since I have had writers block for the past week, it has been nigh to impossible. They have offered me three lovely options to write about:


Life-Changing Experiences
While at UD, a student will study on a foreign continent, conduct undergraduate research with a faculty mentor, or give back to the community through a service learning project. Some will do all of the above. With each new experience, comes a new discovery about oneself and the world. Tell us about something you have experienced that may have changed your life or simply led you to a new understanding.

My sisters used to stuff me in the corner and feed me glasses of lemon juice...which is why I am the way I am.

or

When I was very young, I decided to jump out of my high-chair onto the brick floor, which would explain the drop from a 4.0 to my current GPA. Yes, I can say that my life has been changed.

Your Heritage
We asked you to check a box that represented how you are most comfortable describing yourself. We recognize, of course, that your ethnic heritage is far more complex than is understood by just checking a box. We invite you to share with us more detail on how your ethnic/cultural or multicultural heritage may play a role in shaping your view of the world.

I am the product of Amish rebels... which is why you might find me driving tractors nekkid. I am rebelling against their stringent modesty and lack of electricity...

or

My grandfather, who shaped who I am today, even if I was a mature six weeks old when he died, used to shoot at my grandmother's feet to make her dance when he was drunk... you might ask, how could this influence me? It has given me a caliber of behavior to aspire to...

Imagine
Can you imagine reading over 22,000 application essays? Last year, we did just that. This year, rather than giving you another specific question to answer, we are inviting you to use your imagination. Surprise us. Entertain us. Mind your manners, of course, but make us appreciate your clever and engaging essay. We'll thank you later.

Dear Entrance Committee--Your right, I cannot imagine reading twenty-two thousand essays. Your jobs truly suck. Actually, as people, I am sure to have such a sucky job, it could be fairly said that you all are the suckiest sucks that ever sucked...

or

Blogging changed my life... I used to think I was weird until I met all these people JUST LIKE ME and I realized. YES! I have found my family at last! I was left on the doorstep and lied to about it for my entire life, but all that doesn't matter anymore! Because we are family... and drive tractors nekkid together.


Any better ideas?



4 Responses to “I Am A Amish Descendant, Who Drives Tractors Nekkid And Still Doesn't Watch TV”

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.


I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.


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