Welcome To Onstar. I Will Be Your Guidance System For Today...

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This afternoon, as I was reading blogs, drinking diet coke and trying to look cute busily working, I get a call from a sheepish Barbie.

PB: Um, Porkchop?

PC: Yes, love?

PB: We (being she and the hot friend who flew in from far away to escort her to some pageant gathering) are in Washington DC and kind of can't find a place to park. Could you Google something up?

PC: Sure. One sec

Seconds pass.... Do you know how hard it is to simply "find parking" in downtown DC near Consitution Ave.?

More minutes pass... she hands the phone to Hot Friend since she is, in true family form, concentrating on her extreme driving skills.

HF: Er. I am very scared.

PC: She's driving a bit wild? Don't worry! She has my radar detector (especially lent for the occasion, even if they are rather illegal in VA) so you will be fine.

HF: She just ran a red light. Radar detectors don't help you with that.

PC: True. (At this point, I hear horns honking madly in the background and PB cackling merrily with her success.)

I finially find a parking garage and instruct them where to go after they have pinpointed their location for me.

PB: So turn RIGHT on to New York Avenue.

HF: (relays to Joy) So we should turn around...

PC: Wait! You said you just crossed Pennsylvania WHY ARE YOU TURNING AROUND? I am so confused. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?

HF: We found it. I think. One second.

PB: I can't find the entrance!

HF: Maybe if we circled the building?

I wait. Pensively. We cannot find the entrance? Am I related to this woman? It's a PARKING GARAGE!

I hear a squeal in the background.

HF: Yes! We found it! Good to go! Thanks a million.

PC: Anytime...

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.

the past


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