Russian Unibrows Are Pretty Sexy

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Over my late lunch break I had to trot over to the social security office to acquire some useless piece of paper for my new job. I pulled my little number and waited. I chatted with the security guard, and waited. I viewed some of the dregs of humanity that populated the chairs beside me, and waited. I started watching the women in the windows who were supposedly helping the slow moving line, well, move and noticed one paticularly unpleasant lady. She was rather mean, and evil and rather harried looking. I knew that with the luck of Porkchop, it would be she that had to help me. Sure enough, she called my number.

I trot up to her window, trying to be nice and sweet (you never know when it will help!) but was immediately suspicious when she askes me "Are you Russian?"

Given my slightly caffeine addled state, my mind kicked into overdrive and I completely ignored the fact I have been asked this several times before. I immediately get suspicious. Does she hate Russians? Are Russians not allowed to get this paperwork? Then a bit more paranoid. Do I reek of vodka? Did my fur-lined purse give me away? Are there caviar crumbs clinging to my lapels? Was it my ankle length black overcoat in the middle of summer?

I ponder, but only for a quick moment. As I run through the symptoms that could have brought her to this question and mentally acquit myself, I finally manage to answer with a soft "No." But I cowered in front of her desk and braced myself for her next overly intrusive question. Perhaps in the fashion of my mother grilling prospective dates she will next blurt out "Are you a virgin?" But, she doesn't, instead my hostilely knitted unabrow relaxes when she explains her odd question:

"Well, it's just that with all the Russian girls that come in here who are models, you look just like them. I could have sworn you were from Russia, all the girls are beautiful. You definitely look like a Russian model, minus the accent and the lack of shaving, of course."

At least I have good hygiene going for me.

12 Responses to “Russian Unibrows Are Pretty Sexy”

  1. Anonymous zack hoglen 

    Yeah my name is zack hoglen i like russian unibrows so if and russian people are out there and want to mate with my monobrow just hit me up but not today cause im going to sammies house in scotland yeah i have fun swimming with nesse sometimes but she dosent appriteate my monobrow so ill hit you hot russian monobrows up.

  2. Anonymous irejewo 

    I'm Russian and I do not enjoy being in the presence of a monobrow.

  3. Anonymous alexis and julianne 

    you are so wierd!

  4. Anonymous Brittany 

    You are a stupid person if you think unibrows are hot there just nasty and i dont want to be around them

  5. Anonymous Anonymous 


  6. Anonymous craps 

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    could be relegated from Serie A and forced out of European
    competition if found guilty.

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  8. Anonymous YOUR AN IDIOT 


  9. Anonymous anonymous 

    its ok that u like them.if every body dint like them .then the world would be a boreing place.not eberybody likes the same things. And that is what makes the world go round .so im supporting u>>>???go unibrow lover........

  10. Anonymous suck pee pee 

    man unibrows rock my furry pee pee

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.

the past


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