Suicide Only Counts In Our Family If It's Really Hardcore And Involves Lots Of Blood

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Barbie and Porkchop reminsce about a paticularly bleak time where Porkchop lived far away and was depressed by The Man.

Porkchop: "Well, I did tell you that I tried to commit suicide with diet pills, right?"

Barbie: "No!"

Porkchop: "Well. I did. If you take too many, your heart is supposed to explode or something."


Barbie: (slightly impatient tone) "Well?!?"

Porkchop: "Well what?!"

Barbie: "Did it work?!"



Porkchop: "Perhaps I need to clarify what I meant by SUICIDE."

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.

the past


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