If All Else Fails...

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join the Army for chicks. Or the Marines, or, well, anything with a uniform for that matter. UPS, janitor and waiter, are all a little iffy for the chick factor. If you get to carry a gun, it definitely helps.

I have this friend, since I would hate to destroy anonymity, but for the sake of clarity, we need to give him a name, so, let let's call him "Dave".

He has tried stalking, stealing other guy's girlfriends (at the liquor store nonetheless), begging on his knees, the chivalrous act, soliciting cocktail waitresses, advertising his type, and even going on a date with the scathing Porkchop. All, apparently, to no avail.

So, he told me that he was thinking about joining the Green Berets or being a cop. Because, not only would it provide him the liberty of beating his girlfriend without repercussions, but, in lieu of the aforementioned desired girlfriend he could:

"Have wild anonymous sex with strange beautiful women."

I was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions for "Dave" on the capturing of strange, beautiful women for wild anonymous sex. It seems are only other option is to give him a firearm and badge.

Think. Quick. This is a matter of national security and my TAX DOLLARS.

1 Responses to “If All Else Fails...”

  1. Blogger Lithium 

    Have you suggested that perhaps he visit a shady male restroom and try those infamous "glory holes"?

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.

the past


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