What is it about Christmas cheer that prompts any male I might have ever dated, to call me ?! I REALLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU, PLEASE GO AWAY! But in the spirit of Christmas cheer I stifle all the amusing barbs and witty retorts. I do my best to sound interested. Congratulate them on the wedding/baby/job/fact-the-are-still-alive. I am sweet, warm and wishing to heaven the would hurry the hell up and shut up.

However. The last call was a bit much. This paticular ex has been written about before and truth be told, I am too lazy to go dig him up from the archives. In short--this lad is dreadful. He was loved dearly by my father and no one else. He was a redneck celebrity. He wanted to marry me and for me to be his--redneck trophy wife? (I thought that redneck trophies were limited to deer antlers.) He has called me occasionally since we broke up to give me postings of his life progress.

He let me know when he had started dating. And then he called me to let me know he had gotten engaged so "I could stop chasing him now." Er, right. (This is the boy who drunk dialed and proposed to me AFTER we broke up. And sober, the next day, repeated his offer.) Needless to say, the conversations are very one-sided. Him talking about himself and his fiancee. Occasionally, I manage to drop a impressive buzz-word that puts him properly in his place, but other than that. I mostly "mmm-hmm" my way through the conversation.

This one had so many opportunities to put his little redneck hiney in it's proper place. But I bit my tongue and smothered my laughter. However, the highlights were just too good to go unknown.

Highlight #1: He is working out again. Yes. With his fiancee. Yes. They work out together! OH! DID I MENTION HIS FIANCEE WORKS OUT WITH ME?! (I refused to work out with him while we were together. I worked out, just not with him. There is something deeply personal about sweating BY YOURSELF.)

Highlight #2: Yes. So, he is getting married. In March! Yes, HE AND HIS FIANCEE ARE GETTING MARRIED! (Did anyone miss the fact they are GETTING MARRIED?!) He is working out for the wedding.

Highlight #3: Even though he is WORKING OUT, she doesn't care if he isn't as buff as when WE WENT OUT. (He was worse than a anorexic little girl. He counted calories and worked out two hours every day. I was uncomfortable EATING in front of him. I continually pestered him to lighten up, but that was his life goal TO BE BUFF AND WORK OUT.)

Highlight #4: His Dad is bugging him for kids. Yeah. But, I don't want to have kids for three or four more years. But... who knows when we might have them because:

Highlight #5: He and his fiancee have not had sex yet. Yes. You read correctly. He not only informed me that he and his wife-to-be had not yet been intimate but that he was GREATLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. Don't get me wrong, I am all for waiting until you are married to have sex. But is it really necessary to GIVE ME THE GORY DETAILS!

Highlight #6: Apparently, what prompted this, was the little talk my Dad had when we first started dating. (As a rule of thumb, whenever my father meets someone I am dating, he takes them aside and assures them if they ever lay a hand on me he will "slit their sack and spill their seed upon the ground." This had a rather lasting impression on this lad and he swore, to my father, that the next time he had sex, it would be when he was married.)

Highlight #7: He spoke with my father the other day and was reminded of how much he LOVED my Dad. And how much my whole family loved him. AND HOW GREAT HE WOULD HAVE FITTED IN WITH MY FAMILY. (Did he ever consider I am part of my family and he didn't seem to fit so great with me?)

I think those were some of the more lasting highlights. This was, of course, sprinkled with lots of little barbs meant to nettle me into becoming--jealous? Insecure? Devious? Interested in breaking up his wedding? Whatever the goal was, I can't say it succeeded.

Unless his goal was for me to have the burning desire to reach through the phone, pat his head condescendingly and wish him a long life of procreation, wild monkey sex with his soon to be wife and a whole gaggle of screaming redneck children.

Darling--I wish you the best, really. Because perhaps, after your married, YOU'LL STOP CALLING because you will be preoccupied with your wife and SCREECHING FLYING MONKEYS.

To the few ex's, admirers and groupies who haven't called--Merry Christmas. I really do hope you are very sucessful, have a very hot girlfriend and that you haven't thought of me in days. Really, I do. Spare yourself the phone call. I believe you, really.

Now, go off and have a Merry Christmas with your super-hot girlfriend and leave me alone, with my cats. The fact that I am allergic to cats and don't have any is a moot point right now. Because, through much practice, I have discovered that's what it is going to take to get you off the phone.

I am alone, with cats, dying for you to say the word and take me back.

Merry Christmas, Darlings.