Why Men Hate Me (and/or) My Hate Of New Jersey

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A conversation from earlier this morning:

boy: ok, so i will be in DC on sun
me: how lovely for you
boy: and i thinking on my way home i could stop off to see a good friend, namely, you.
me: um, did you fail local geography?! oh wait. you're from Jersey. can't hold it against you, i suppose. or, i can and will and you can't do anything about it.
boy: what do you mean? that wasn't nice either
me: darling, no matter how badly you want to marry me, i will never stop making fun of New Jersey. it is in my blood! and it's my full-time hobby. whenever I have to fill out those stupid things to be introduced into new community events, etc. i put under the hobbies section "Mocker Of New Jersey" or "Personal Representative Of Death To All New Jersians"
me: new jersian? interesting, and clever.
boy: ok, enough.
me: i even have a little speech prepared regarding what i think new jersey is good for. oh please, don't tell me you have fond feelings that run deep in your heart for new jersey
the garden state!
your one true love!
boy: i live in philly, doesn't that count for something?!
me: not really.
boy: you are silly
me: no, it doesn't. my hate for new jersey runs deep. and it is just as much a part of me as my perfect breasts
boy: u do have those
me: i mean, seriously, how the hell can you claim that as your home state when the state dance is the square dance?!
boy: ENOUGH.
me: and when you all have a STATE DINOSAUR
boy: lets talk more about your breasts
me: no, this is more fun
boy: send me a good morning monday pic of yourself
me: delaware has wisely chosen to avoid mockery and not have a state dinosaur. i mean, can you imagine chartering that bill?!
boy: uhhh, no i couldn't
me: "hello, new jersians, i clearly have too much time on my hands, in between my busy schedule of killing people, overly gelling my hair and being obnoxious, so i thought i'd introduce a bill so we can proudly talk about our state dinosaur over dinner" "now, doesn't that sound lovely? and don't you respect me more as a public servant and leader?"
boy: that is nice
me: i think so. if i ever run for office, that will be my first bill for sure. a NATIONAL dinosaur
me: so, in foreign policy we can remind people just how badass we are. WE HAVE A NATIONAL DINOSAUR and they DON'T. so they should be quaking in their very boots. fuck nuclear power. we've got dinosaurs!
boy: i just wanted a monday morning pic of my friend porkchop.
me: i think i'll send you a picture of a dinosaur.

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This odd narrative is my life. I ended up in Pittsburgh, of all places--from the beach. I have no hobbies, other than cooking excessively and eating microwave popcorn. I enjoy shopping, the Food network, hiding the remote so the Food network cannot be turned off, find ethnic food stores and restaurants and reading voraciously. My life is decidedly pedestrian.

I worked in the car business where I was required to be ruthless and soul-less wench, which is when I started this project. Since then, I've kept it up because secretly, I've always wanted to join the military. Every male in my mother's family has joined and I quietly entertain thoughts of joining. I haven't yet and don't know if I ever will, but sending the troops cookies keeps me sane. it makes me think I still have a shred of human kindness left in my withering soul. it's a small way for me to salute the men and women who are brave enough to fight for freedom. And makes me feel like I'm contributing toward troop morale--even if I'm not. So if you want to help, send me addresses of troops you know stationed overseas. you may also contribute toward the cost of chocolate chips, but don't feel obligated, that link is here only by request.

the past


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