Times like tonight, I really hate having emotions.

I am feeling rather sad and lonely, the idea of regretting my brilliant idea of being free and single has definately flitted through my mind more than once. But honestly, I am TIRED of being sad and single. I know they don't necessarily walk hand in hand, but these nights wehre you have simply had a bad day, and miss the companionship of a guy, really make singleness seem like it is truely terrible.

I honestly think the Lord is trying to see if I meant what I said when I didn't want a relationship. If I really wanted to draw closer to Him through my lonliness. I do. Because in review, I haven't had the greatest sucess in relationships and I do not want to keep putting myself through that until I am completely sufficient on the Lord. I am beginning to actually understand in a very real way, that I will never be satisfied until my relationship with God is complete. Otherwise, their will always be that nagging, gnawing hunger for more.

I find emotions so amazing, volitale, but amazing. Time like tonight, when I simply wish I had none, I remind myself that if I did not have emotions I could not experience such as the euphoric adrenaline rush of victory, the sweet and gentle realization that you are loved in a special way or even the bitter pain of knowing that you CAN still feel, even if it is the pain of a broken heart.

I am, for once, at a loss for words. The intricate way God has created our hearts to desire Him, aching that is intrinsically written on our hearts taht will not be sated until that God-shaped hole is filled. That is incredible!


Zeke came over tonight and it was slightly weird. But whatever. I'm not going to be the one to say anything.

Dad made a comment tonight that really took me aback, he said that I always complain about all my jobs, no matter where I work, I always find it annoying. How horrifying! I must remind myself constantly that I have to be more positive and uplifting.

In fact, at work tomorrow I am going to find two good things about everyone there and make a post. Even if it would be more amusing to post deragatory descriptions about them.

Interesting isn't it, because my heart is SO wicked, if I do not constantly guard myself, I become so very negative. Very sad.