I just figured it out!

The reason everyone feels like I am ignoring/not spending enough time with them is because I made this resolution with myself that I would not be emotionally dependant on anyone. And after everyone is used to me pouring my very soul out to them, this change is making them feel ignored.

Or, maybe I am a selfish pig.

Why is it that the people you love the most are the ones you WANT to hurt the most sometimes?

Take for instance, a certain loved person, who I will not name, who was driving me absolutely insane tonight. Telling me that I did not make time for them, and I was not flexible, and various other things, which may or may not be true, but were still entirely hurtful. Because for this apticular soul, I bend over backwards to accomidate them, and I rarely think they realize or reciprocate the same kind of effort.

So, instead of telling them off, which I came very, very close to. I sat there and thought all sorts of scathing thoughts about them, and just what I WOULD say if I did decide to tell them off. Afdter a hour of mean thoughts, I felt quite repentent. So I apoligized in very meek tones for speaking harshly. Though, in the back of my mind I was grateful I didn't say some of the things I was THINKING... The only problem with that method is a couple of things.

First, you get all these grand illusions of what a brave, confronting person you are. Because you can imagine yourself saying these things to people. When in reality, you are far from it. Second, it tends to not be great on the communication level. Because sometimes, you should tell people some things.

Anyway. Lately it seems I have been very impatient with everyone, and I feel rather badly. Of course, when they are aggrivating the fire out of me, it doesn't occur to me to feel badly right then. And, people who I love dearly, and try to make a priority in my life have been telling me that they feel I am doing just the opposite! What am I to do? I try not to be smother-y. Because I know how I can get and how demanding I can be. Anyway. I really don't know if any of this is making sense. Not that it would matter, because NO ONE READS THIS THING ANYWAY!!!

Today we went dress shopping with Theresa, and to look at the church where the wedding is going to be. It will be so lovely! And, I am getting a new dress for the wedding. Theresa is so much fun, and she is going to look absolutely gorgeous for the wedding. The tailor woman at the dress shop was rather annoying. After she told us about three times what a fantastic person Theresa is, she was like "You have no idea how great she is, or how lucky you are." I felt like telling this woman that yes, maybe we did have a idea.

After the hell-on-earth that we had been put through in our earlier years, yes, we might have a clue. But I didn't feel like being quite that mean. There were all these very coool dresses at the dress store. but I was getting rather depressed thinking how awful and fat I would look in them. But anyway, the church is very cool. Primitive, but cool. We girls were dicussing how it could be made cooler for our weddings. =)

Not like THAT is happening in the near future for any of us. The church is one of those historical buildings on state property. And the park/building is run by these weird lesbian look-a-alike old ladies who were beginning to freak me out. For my dress I am thinkiing something like... Marilyn Monroe's dress in Seven Year Itch. Because I am quite like dear Marilyn. Very... curvy. Or fat if you would like to put it less delicately.

Don't even get me started on the matter, lately even though I have been dieting, I have been so angry with my weight. I HATE the fact the my boobs are HUGE and no matter what I wear I look like some sort of Pamela Anderson wanna-be, minus the tattoo and nasty lips. I HATE the fact that black guys stare at my butt and I HATE the fact that Joy is skinnier than me. I could go into a whole list of things I hate. Starting with the way I look, and my personality, etc, etc. But it would be nothing new.

But then again, this is my blog, so if I so choose, I could post the very same thing every day. Novel thought! Anyway, this is getting dull. Not that that has ever stopped me from posting, but it will for the moment. I get to look forward to another hellish day at work!

It is only 11, and my patience limit has already been stretched to it's limit for the day! I truely have the trainee-from-hell at work. I am being generous when I say she is stupid, and if that isn't bad enough, she doesn't WANT to learn. Besides, she has no idea how kind I was being to come in this morning and help her, rather than put her at the grumpy mercies of everyone else... grr.

Yesterday, I had quite the freak show variety. Weird guys kept staring into my eyes and it was driving me absolutely crazy!! And then, this one paticular mold spore, was entwining his fingers with mine as I was giving him his drink, food, money, etc. And THEN he kept asking for condiments, so he could keep trying. As I recoiled my hands for the five hundreth time, I felt like smacking his little paws, or throwing things at him. GRR!!!!

Anyway, I have to file now. I have lots to post about modeling school, the ride there and back. =)

I feel rather bad, truely I do. It seems everyone is very miserable, and I cannot do a thing about it.

First off, we have poor Dad. He is under lots of pressure with this whole wedding thing, and he is trying to make the business work with Joy gone half the time, and the fact that he is stressed and tired is getting quite evident.

Then, we have Joy who is the queen of being stressed out. She is completely pulling her hair out over her pageants, hates this and hates that. Blah, blah, blah. I feel like I am always deserting her, or making her mad. The only time she is happy is when she is cuddling, on a date, or talking to a guy. Otherwise she is busy being stressed, depressed, or bored. And I can't help her it seems, because I can only take so much cuddling before I begin to feel slightly claustrophobic.

Anyway, I have many more ponderings, but must get this school stuff done.

Today has been the LONGEST day at work, I truely thought it was never going to end.

We were so busy all day, and I was having to do almost everything by myself. Because the new help they hired doesn't like to do anything, and if you ask them to do stuff they get smart with you.

I have truely seen everything today. From guys gazing into my eyes, to women who tell me our jelly is "stale". I am so very tired. Thankfully I did tonight's assignment last night.
I should do school this weekend, but I really, really don't want to. But it isn't like I have anything better to do. Go shopping and that's about it. It's a shame because Dad, Joy and Fred will be gone for the majority of the weekend.

It's the weirdest thing having Jared to call. I haven't heard from him since Monday, and I am actually kinda worried. It is highly unlike him. I called his phone and it says his number is out of service. I hope he is alright!

Well, I have to go, I am tired and am going to take a nap before I go shopping and such.

I feel very, very, very ill. For future reference, do not, I repeat do NOT eat half a can of pringles and then chug a quart of apple juice. Not a smart thing to do. *gurgle*

My teeth are floating.

I took a chance and emailed my testimony to Bermuda Ranch, we'll see what happens.

Alrighty. This is very frustrating to me.

I came to the office to fill in for Joy and be helpful and that sort of general thing. Well, the entire time has been spent answering three phone calls, eating half a can of fat free pringles and studying. Now studying is all fine and dandy, because that is the exact same thing I would do if I were home, except I would be in comfy clothes, with nice music, enjoying the glorious weather. Instead I am shivering at my desk, wondering just what on earth Dad does all day with his door closed.

Joy had better be grateful, and better get back soon.

And, I am slightly worried about Jared. I returned his call Monday night, and his phone was off. I haven't heard from him since, which is very unusual. Maybe they are doing field exercises, maybe his phone died, maybe he is in the hospital, maybe he is dead... maybe. Why on earth am I worried about it? What is my major malfunction? Maybe I need to get a life! That sounds like a simply spanky plan, except, there is nothing to do! Which compounds the problem ever so slightly.

I wish I could sleep away the next three years of my life! Alas I cannot!

I am excited and annoyed.

Excited because I really don't mind this diet... I could actually see myself doing this for awhile. As long as I faithfully drink my half-gallon of apple juice and eat my pound of salad, I let myself eat anything I want, within reason. I am trying to make healthier choices, daily choices. Sounds like a slogan for some sort of wretched diet.

I am annoyed because I realize just how timelessly annoyingly ugly I truely am. I know that sounds like a terrible selp-depreciating thing to say, and it very well might be. But! Laura had some pictures developed from about three years ago, and my look has not changed all that much. Especially because I am trying to grow my hair out. I have realized that no matter how many times I grow my hair out, it still has the same overall scraggly, limp, bland, processed look. With a few variations time to time. Unfortunately, my looks haven't improved with time either.

Looking at pictures (and the mirror) confirm that my nightmares of the way I look are not nightmares, but real life! I am hoping that with the loss of ___ amount of pounds things will improve slightly. But I really don't think so, I think it will still be the squinty eyes, the wide smile, the huge chubby cheeks, the blobby nose and weird chin. And the scraggly hair.
How am I ever supposed to find my knight in shining armour if I look like a milk maid? I need to try more of the damsel look. But damsels in distress are supposed to be thin from all the worrying and waxing faint from waiting for their knight. =)

Anyway, I should prolly go study, and drink my apple juice.

I have decided, instead of telling my sisters EVERYTHING, I should either blog it or journal. Problem with blogging is they read it anyway, problem with journaling is, I don't or won't. So we have a problem.

It isn't that I don't like telling them stuff, I do! A little too much! And they know every gory, bloody detail of my life. And today in the shower it dawned on me, if I want to have a life seperate from theirs, or even slightly different, I shouldn't tell them everything. Some of us are a little slow on the uptake.

Last night, Jared called me, and wanted to know just what had to happen in order for us to have a relationship. And for the first time in a long time, we really talked and communicated. That is the sad/funny thing about us, we communicate well only when we are both really mad, because we come out and say thing that we wouldn't otherwise. Anyway, I condensed it to three things:

1. He would need to build a relationship with my Dad. Not just a friendly relationship, but a real one.
2. He would need to be a leader, spiritually and emotionally.
3. He would need to show more love to his Mom.

He wanted to know why he couldn't work on these things with us as a couple, and I told him that he didn't have to be perfect, but at least it would have to be visible to me that he was working hard on these things. I figure if these three things are worked on, all my previous problems with him would be resolved, or at least significantly reduced.

I do feel rather bad for him though, he is in such pain, and I always feel terrible for people who are in pain because I can do absolutely nothing for them! Not only does he have that horrible lesion and infection on his back, which makes it painful to walk, run, lie down, stand up, and basically exist. But he has either a reaccurring hernea or a swollen lymph node which makes the rest of his life miserable. After tellling me precisely what is wrong, he always cheerfully ends with "like you tell me, I'll live!" And, he will. But painfully. He was explaining to me that they prepare most troops for 18 months before they go to Iraq, but Fast Company will be training for 6 months and then going. So training is supposed to be paticularly intense. In his words "they are going to kill us for the next 6 months." And he is less than looking forward to it with his myraid of medical issues.

I have decided to start going to Bayshore, because I'm not growing spiritually, and honestly I would rather model my life after the people of Bayshore's than the people of SBT.

Laura is home, and she is... Laura. But she seems rather odd this time, I hope everything is all right. I think it is something to do with Theresa, but she won't admit it. I wonder what she plans on doing for the next two months...

Also, it is very strange, I can sleep for the longest amounts of time. It is rather disconcerting to me, because literally, I could sleep all day if I had the time. It seems I can never get enough. If this were Fred, people would say it is because he is growing. But some say it's because I don't exercise. But I HATE exercising. Instead I am on the whole fruits and veggies and juice diet. Very rabbit like.

Anyway, I must get some stuff done for English, I have a presentation to make tonight and haven't even started.

Damn it! Why does doing the right thing have to suck?? I am teetering a very fine line between weeping and laughing. I know Jared thinks that I am this cold, heartless and uncaring person, who making these decisions comes so easily to, and that ice water flows in my veins. But it is just as horrible for me as it is for him. Maybe moreso for me, because I had to make the decision, and I can't even try and blame someone else. Being the victim is so much easier sometimes. But, I refuse to be the victim. I can't even listen to slow sad songs without tearing up.

Will I ever find someone to love me? Will anyone ever understand me? Will I ever have someone to call again? Will I ever have someone to tell me they think I am beautiful and they love the way I laugh? Will I ever have someone to write long letters to again? Will I ever have someone to call my own? Will I ever have someone I can run and kiss when I am happy and/or sad? Will I ever have someone who I can actually talk to, for forever? About life, and dreams, and hopes, and fears, and the future? Will I ever have someone who finds the same things I find exciting?
Joy thinks that we only get one chance at everything in life, and I hope that isn't right. Well maybe it is, and either I didn't have my chance at love, or I screwed it up royally and will live the rest of my life alone and depressed. Lovely thought that.

Today I told Joy I can't wait to truely fall deeply into love with the right person. To be completely swept off my feet like a princess. And I can't! Someone who I can rely on, someone who will be my rock, a leader, a fearless warrior, someone who would fight for me. Someone I can devote myself to, and be everything they ever wanted. I am beginning to think the reason I loved Jared was just to feel the soothing emotion of someone loving you. But since love is more about feelings, it is about decisions, consiquences, responsibility and lots of other stuff. Anyway. I will now shut up about my stupid ponderings.

I feel the need to express... something. I hate pain, I hate letting people down, I hate ending chapters, turning pages, and all that crap. Does everything in life have painful endings? Is there such a thing as a happy ending? Is it truely possible to love someone so utterly and completely and it be worth it? Am I picking the wrong people to love? Maybe I shouldn't love at all... maybe I just hurt so badly and I don't know what to do.

This bit of a song by Evenescence:

I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

That is rather how I feel right now.

Anyway. Another senseless post, I think I shall go home and down some Nyquil and go to bed.

I don't know if I could get more disgusting or awful feeling if I tried.

I had better not say that, because as the Slabaugh saying goes "Remember, no matter how bad things are, they can always get worse!" My lips are cracked and bleeding, my head is throbbing, my sinuses are full and overflowing, I have cramps, my back hurts and a thousand other things. To top it all off, Jared has been paticularly nice, which makes me feel like a terrible monster for what I am about to do.

I know this is the right thing, breaking it off. But it scares me. Am I just being a chicken, or are these feelings normal. Because I am scared I am just not being patient enough. Maybe I have just been listening to too many of those songs where jilted lovers return to their ex's life as this great famous person. Tonight on the way to school, every single sad patriotic country song that I like came on the radio. Grr!

My poor brain is working overtime so I don't think i am going to make much sense here.

To quote the wise, wise words of my sister "This business of doing the right thing really sucks at times." Truer words have never been spoken, ironically, I believe when she typed those very words she was referring to me. Ah! Such is life.

My words right now are few, because the reality of what I have done has barely sunk in. But what I do know is this business of breaking up with Jared and him being very good friends with my sister kinda sucks. It would be way easier if she didn't like him and could have a pity party with me, but as it is now she is "neutral Switzerland", I am the United States and Jared is "Nazi Germany."

One thing I love about blogs, the freedom of speech! Anyway, it makes things slightly more complicated in my life, because I already struggle with feeling like Joy's inferior little sister. Argh. But if he wants to go for Joy, more power to him, I will warn him now, he thinks I'm stubborn? He hasn't seen anything yet... and if anyone is not good enough for him, it would be Joy. She is borderline perfection and she deserves the best the world has to offer.

As of now, I am stuck thinking about my sad little life. I want to go away for awhile SO bad! To college, or for the summer, or a mission trip. That would be so great! A summer missions trip to invest in other people and prevent me from being selfish. I like that idea. But, that will now happen in a thousand years.

Anyway, I have resolved to lose weight and become beautiful (Joy's idea), become more involved in volunteer work and to try and live life recklessly. I have no one holding me back, no one to plan my life around, and no one to laugh at my ideas. I also have to one to have long talks with, or to tell me they love me or that I am beautiful, but I guess you gain some you lose some.

I do not care if the people at SBT forever hate me. I do care if the Nelson's hate me. I will try not to care that I will probably be single for the rest of my life like my sisters. I will try to care when Mr. Nelson informs me that he hates me and I used his son and that he would be better off with Peggy anyway.

Enough of this pathetic rambling. I do sound truely pathetic and that is why right now I will shut up.

I have not hit absolute rock bottom, but pretty close to it.

I know this sounds incredibly petty, but I got yet another D in a class I am working my butt off in, and I am SO mad. I know in time, the pain will fade, and I will have it put into perspective, but right now I am SO upset. The look on Dad's face when he heard, was less than lovely. I HATE school! It isn't because I am a bad student, because I am getting A's in the rest of my classes. I just HATE it.

What can I do? Maybe I should be a toll booth collecter person.

On the other hand, I don't think they make very much money. Help!