I feel the need to indulge myself in making a list of things that greatly annoy me. This is the verbal version of my yoga breathing...

1. People who announce they are pregnant when it really isn't necessary that you know. Also, saying your a "pregger." Pregger? What the heck?

2. People who are self-declared experts on everything! "Well in MY experience..." (or lack thereof)

3. People who refuse to disipline their children in fear of damaging their delicate constitution. Instead, they chase them screaming around the office, damaging OUR delicate constituions. And, these terrors grow up to be theives, murders and general terrors to society. All because their parents didn't spank them. Selfish bleeps.

4. People who are beligerent, and think they are THE most important customer. Guess what? We have like, two hundred of you "most important" people, back off before I bite you.

5. People who are mysteriously upset and angry. You cannot figure out a way to pacify them or placate them, and you are tiptoing around on eggshells because of it.

6. Last, but not least. PEOPLE WHO ARE MARRIED BUT MAKE OUT WITH MARINES ANYWAY! Ahem!

I think that concludes it!

I have decided to join the Red Cross.

No, it was for reasons much more than wearing a cute uniform to try and get military guys. In fact, I won't even get a cute uniform. I get a Wal-Mart style vest far too large for me, emblazoned with the Red Cross symbol.

But, I really want to be able to help people. The whole idea of being a EMT I think is still quite fascinating, but the Red Cross is a small easy start.

Frankly, investing in people is so rewarding, and I have been so selfish lately. Doing nothing to invest in other's welfare. And now that I have taken a interest, the opportunities are abounding.

Today is my baby brother's first day of school.

With such an occasion, the average person would associate crayons, cute little sneakers, crisp falling leaves, nap times and many other such sacred traditions. But, as usual, our family is the exception to every rule, and my brother is going to his very first day of real school, and it entering the 11th grade.

No, he is not some sort of weird child prodogy who is six years old and entering eleventh grade. Well, he is a child genius, but not one of those weird ones. Anyway, Fred has braved the world of public education, thankfully, in the eleventh grade. I did not have the priviledge of attending any sort of semblence of "real school" until I went to college. Scary days.

I don't know what we would do without Teresa, she instucted Fredd what to do and not do. The poor child! Without Teresa, we would have probably sent him to school clutching his lunch bag, and he would have been voted biggest dork of the year. And that would be a tragedy because Fredd is quite possibly the coolest kid ever to walk the earth.

Of course, as a true S--baugh, Fredd could not go to school without a certain amount of duty and responsibility heaped upon him. He is fully expected to get straight A's and graduate validictorian. Dad and Teresa have outlined a few things to help him in that area.

He is to sit directly in the front row and get called on as much as possible. He is not provoke or be involved in any sort of infraction of the rules. If he does, we ALL beat him. He is to make friends, enough to keep him from getting beat up, but not enough that it distracts from his school work. And lots of other lovely things.

My little bruvver is so... getting old.


Oh. Side note. He went and got his lovely curls chopped off, he now has that "fresh off the farm" look. 'Tis a pity.

Today is one of those days where when it rains, it pours. And it has been pouring not only drearilness, but regular mayhem. I WILL not complain, I will think of things I am grateful for.

1. I am grateful that Mom decorates the house, it makes it much nicer to come home to after a hard day. And, much nicer to entertain.

2. I am grateful that Laura fixes dinner, so when I get home there will be food.

3. I am grateful that Dad loves me and is trying to help me be the best person I can be.

4. I am grateful that Joy likes to have sisterly chats.

5. I am grateful that Fred tries valiently to explain things to me that I don't understand.

6. I am grateful that Zach will do things with me when I ask him to.


And, so that is what I am grateful for today.

I feel like I should be writing "Dear Diary, everyone hates me and I don't know why..."

Instead, I will puzzle my thoughts aloud onto my blog.

First of all, I know I haven't been the easiest person in the world to live with the past few days, but I have been trying! I try to avoid people when I am in a foul modd to avoid the "What the heck is your problem?" converestions and questions.

Dad seems to have a unusual amount of consternation about my social life, which as a father, I can understand his concern. But when he probes for things, I usually know what he is looking for, but this time I honestly do not know what he is looking for. Sometimes, I think it is the exaggerations and worries of older sisters that give way to allot of his concerns.

He mentioned that he has cautions about me being at the Nelson's which I can fully understand, but what he does not, nor do Laura and Joy understand is that I get so bored and lonely. Doing stuff with the family is great, I love it at times! But it isn't the same as doing stuff with people your age, or just hanging out. And everyone in the family is so busy now anyway.

Laura is busy with work, Kate and Jared. Joy is overwhelmed with pageants, Matt, landlording and school. Teresa has school starting up as well as a zillion other things, and Dad is equally busy.

I know he is worried about me that I might be doing less than savory activites, but I'm not! I swear! I just like being around people, and there seems to be a severe shortage of those.

Besides, once school starts I am sure I am not going to have time to do anything anyway. ANYTHING. I was just trying to do a few last fun things with the last summer that I had as being anything remotely like a teenager. Oh well.

I think what suprises me the most is that Dad normally doesn't worry about me unless he has just cause. Maybe he does and I just don't realize it.

Ok, this is simply disgusting. I can handle that I am like the only single sister, whatever.

But kissing? Loudly? How about a really big no there.

I am trying to mind my own business with my headphones on, and I can STILL hear them. Revolting.

I am all for kissing, but NOT so BLATENTLY!!



So here I sit, single, fat, quiet, and smelling the waves of Matt's cologne that are rolling in this general direction. And feeling Laura's happy-in-love vibes. Her being in love with Jared is way better than AJ, she still has the ability to create coherent complete sentances! Yay!


Ok, enough sappy music. I need some good chick music. You know, guys are bad, girls rock, etc, etc.


OK! Matt wears blue, and that is what Jared used to wear. I think I am going to go vomit now... WHY GOD WHY??


My life sucks. Period.

I have discovered I am a very boring person.

Your Icecream Flavour is... French Vanilla!

You're a smooth and silky suave type! You exude class and you believe in tradition. A classical taste who doesn't like things to be too flashy or showy. Climb the Eiffel tower of taste with a spoonfull of you! Oui Oui!

What is your Icecream Flavour?

Find out at Go Quiz

Very sad.

I love my sisters I really do. I love the fact you can steal their clothes and get away with it (sort of) and they are a never ending fan club.

It's just that sometimes, it seems like no matter what you do, it is not original. It overlaps with something they have done, or like, or something! Maybe they are just trying to make it feel like you come up with good ideas or something. but sometimes, it feels like all your doing is copying them! Argh!

Anyway. I love them. Really.

I should be on radio! I would have masses of adoring fans!

I just had this lady who had been sitting in the waiting room, and she said "I was sitting there trying to figure out where I had heard your voice. You worked at Chick-Fil-A didn't you?"

I have such a lovely distinctive voice! I should be in animated films, or in radio, or something!

JUST KIDDING!

Ok, this is truely annoying.

Here I sit at my little desk, looking cute, trying to do my job and refraining from yelling at the obnoxious people on the phone or from trying to choke every last person who comes in.

This, rather large, lady came in to pick up her pay-check. It is clearly posted to pick up your check, you MUST have ID. Well, she waddles in, and acts all huffy and important, I asked her for her ID, and she was like "You know me, you don't need my ID."

Erm, yes I need it, and no I don't know you.

So she glares at me "You have been here four weeks! WHY do you need to see my ID??" I stared right back at her beady little pig eyes, "Ma'am I cannot give you your check without ID."

So she storms out, and proceeds to rifle through her car for the next fifteen minutes. She doesn't get ALL the way into the car, just partially, so her large rear is waving in the air, passerby's staring.

She finally marches back in, and shoves it a inch and a half from my nose. "Now! Take a good look! I don't want to have to do that again!"

With the sweetest, most delightful look I can possibly muster, I said "Ma'am no ID, no check."



She didn't body slam me, but glared fiercly and cussed her way out the door.


That wasn't the first incident like that, and I don't understand why people have to be so RUDE! Please be nice to the poor little people like me!

I sit here at my desk cringing as I read my old blog. The glowing accolades of Jared and the other lovely things I said about him.

Lies all lies! Oh what a blind little bunny I was! Anyway, a learning experience it was, as Teresa and I were discussing last night.

I love talking to her, she is so full of interesting things and such a fascinating person to talk to. Last night, she made the comment "Sarah, that is what I love about you, you are so self-possed, you don't take crap from anybody." That was such a compliment, maybe it shouldn't have been, but it was. We were talking about guys, and I would like to think that I have learned something!

Anyway, if you feel like reading very amusing rants, go to my old blog, marinechic.

Just for the record, I love Gmail. I highly recommend it to anyone who has a chance to try it.

It is much better than Outlook, and way, way better than any other free accounts you can get.

If I were Fred, a uber geek, or a gnome I would be able to explain in highly technical terms WHY it's better. But, because it's me, I will suffice to say it's very cool. Try it. End of story.

Do you ever enjoy those things you know that you are supposed to hate? You know, those things that are bad for you, cheap, annoying, etc. But deep down, you actually enjoy?

Take for instance, Twizzlers. I love them. I know they are sooo bad for you, and they actually taste like strawberry flavored rubber, but for some perverse reason, I LOVE them! I love chewing on them until your teeth hurt, and then smelling like a freshly strawberry-deoaderized bathroom for the rest of the day.

Life is great if I can get my jollies that easily.

Today, over my lunch hour, I went to a job interview at a real estate appraisal company. It was actually quite nice, and went quite well. If they offered me the job, I would definately consider it over Preston.

Basically, I would make it as involved as I wanted, and it could, if I wanted, evolp into real estate appraisal. Which, I actually think would be quite interesting.

So I am quite happy at the thought of leaving the unemployment office!

I have decided to devote a entire post to the wonderful attributes of my charming little brother. If there are any cute chicks out there who are interested, you must go through me first, I don't believe in being related to ugly people.

I started by getting a Gmail account. I have heard The Fredd rave on and on about the wonderfulness of Gmail, so I decided to get a account and then send him my invites. So, if you so desire, you can email me at my new address babybarbie@gmail.com extreme coolness!

Fredd is the makings of a genius. Have you ever read the book, The Way Things Work? Fredd wrote that when he was in kindergarten because he got tired of blowing up his classmates. Wait. Fredd didn't go to school, well, he WOULD have written it, and he WOULD have blown up his classmates, IF he had.

Fredd as a girlish figure I envy, well, not exactly girlish, a little closer to the twiggish side, but lovely nonetheless. He has the most adorable curls a person could ask for. And this morning, he even washed them, so they would be soft and sweet-smelling, like a baby's bottom. Erm, or something.

Fredd also has a wicked sense of humor, sometimes a touch on the ascerbic side, but a very funny lad. A keen sense of humor is a sign of intelligence. For instance, Fred wants to name a soccer team The Nads. That way he can cheer. "Go Nads!" For those of you that don't get it the first time, shout it loudly at your desk, if you don't get it, your officemate will.

Fredd is very smart, and will be going to MIT, where he will be meeting the love of his life, and living happily ever after, very richly.

Fredd will also make the most wonderful husband/boyfriend whenever he get a girlfriend, which we are all praying is a very looooong time. He offers to make you tea, rub your feet, cook you dinner (which will be your choice of grilled cheese or scrambled eggs) and will ask you cheerily and sincerly how your day was.

The best part of all: he smells good! And! Is learning how to dress with the best of them. I believe this year's wardrobe for school is very cool cotton shirts and khaki's. I hope. I pray.

Anyway, Fredd is a very cool dude who you should get to know. His blog is http://darthfredd.blogspot.com and his email is darthfredd@gmail.com


Oh! I forgot to mention he IS the one who was sort of helping me research guns for my birthday, instead of cowering in fear at the thought of me weilding a weapon.

I love having things in my life to look forward to. But I hate having good things come to an end.

I love hastening the dreary days by anticipating the next enjoyable moment. But I hate the way those moments end so quickly.

The problem with always anticipating the next wondeful things is the quiet times inbetween go by unnoticed. Life passes you by so much faster. It is marked by the huge events.

I have decided I need to savor EVERY moment, not just the great ones, not just the ones I look forward to. Every little moment, even when I am stressed and pulling my hair out, there will be a time when I will look back longingly. So I need to take this moment, right now, and cherish it for what it's worth. Be grateful for the littlest thing. My nice smelling hand lotion, a song I like on the radio, a yummy bit of food, there is so much I can be happy about. I do not need to find the next exciting thing, I can be happy as I am, in this moment.

I cannot believe the selfishness of people sometimes.

Especially people you are trying to be nice to, people you are practically killing yourself trying to befriend even though they are the world's most annoying person.

Mental note: If you value your life, don't be selfish.

Do you ever have those weekends that seem to go on forever? And you know that you will remember forever?

This weekend was such a incredible blast!

I must admit that I was very trepedacious at first, since I had only met Jared and he seemed rather... unique at first. But they all have very keen senses of humor and fit in with our family rather well. *Ahem* hint, hint Laura.

It was rather like having three extra brothers, and a extra sister since Brittany hung around ALL weekend.

I will have to post more detailed accounts later since I am currently feeling rather stressed and the weght of school is beginning to creep upon me.

There are some words, I just love. Take, for instance, tasty.

I love that word! It sounds snackish and yummy. Something that you would smack your lips enthusiastcally.

Another is: rubbish! Rubbish is so... dignified sounding. It is so versatile as well, it can mean trash, or rediculous, or simply a dismissal of someone. All in one handy word.

Vibrant. It sounds powerful, wonderful and intoxicating, all at once!

Divine. It's a word used to describe lush desserts and great razors.


I could go on for quite awhile, but it is rather silly sounding. I love words! They are so powerful, they evoke such, well, vibrant mental pictures.

I just finished talking to one of the ladies I work with, and she is just that, a lady. She is a gracious, sweet, Christian woman. And when I asked her about her husband, her face lit up, and she proceeded to tell me her love story, to her husband of fourty-four years.

They met when she was in college, and he was in the army. He sang in the choir, and she stared at him for three weeks, until he asked her out. They moved to college together, where they were for five years, had two kids, and lived hand-to-mouth.

But she is still so deeply in love with him, she says he is her Prince Charming, and that they broke the mould when they made him. How amazing is that?

THAT is what I am waiting for, my true Prince Charming, someone I can unabashedly adore and go through life with.

It's just comforting to see that REAL love does still exist.

I was truely expecting a sappy, pathetic chick-flick. And, I was not dissappointed. But I honestly loved it. Except that now I am feeling lonely, and single, and... lonely.

But! I will not succumb to the pressures of modern marketing! I WILL be resolute in my goals! I WILL survive!

Though it doesn't help they are playing sappy love songs over the radio. Argh! What I would give to just, well, I don't know what. But whatever. I have GOT to snap out of this!

Last night I went to the Navy and the Air Force recruiting stations, it was a near traumatzing experience. I had the be weighed!! Do you have any idea how much I hate that? The good news was I have lost three pounds since I was last weighed. Anyway.

As much as I want to serve my country, and as much as knowing exactly what I could be doing for the next four or five years, I don't think joining the military is in my best interests. Frankly, I think it would be comprimising my potential.

And while that sounds very concieted and proud, I honestly think if I joined than it would be the easy way out for me. Instead, I need to walk by faith and let the Lord guide my direction and my steps.

So, now I need to find another way to serve my country. Because it is my honest belief that everyone should serve their country is some way. Something that delibrately shows they are proud to be a citizen of the United States!

What I think is truely sad is to see the young people of today that have absolutely no comprehension of what has been sacrficed for the freedoms we enjoy. Young people that mock the service of their peers to their country. Young people who are using, and at times abusing, the blood-bought independance of America. Young people who have no respect for the flag, the national anthem, or veterans.

I know I sound like a old fogey, but it almost makes me cry to see veteran's who saw the atrocities of war that are disregarded as broken old people. If you ever, EVER see a veteran, please thank them. It is amazing to see their response, often they tear up, but always they say how grateful they are to see someone who will simply express thanks. Where is the awe and respect for people who put their lives in the line of danger so we can continue to enjoy our way of life?

I could go on for a very long time, but my arguements this morning are not clear-cut or well-defined.

But, if anyone DOES have any ideas how to better serve my country, letme know.

I found the Barbie Website and I have sadly discovered that their is no Farm Barbie!

I feel as if I have been told their is no Santa Claus. Wait! I was the child that tried to persuade everyone to revolt in second grade and tell their parents Santa wasn't real. Rats.

Well, I did find AirForce Barbie and Ken, and immediately thought of Joy and Matt. And then their was Harley Davidson Barbie who bore a striking resemblance to Laura. I was just told I look like Sarah Aldrich, only prettier. Right. Whatever.

This is truely priceless. Someone who took Barbie a touch too seriously.

http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/OddPics/Barbie.html

I have decided that my adorable patient leather loafers with the adorable white trim are my lucky shoes.

Everyone loves them and they make me feel as if I should be clicking my heels together and trotting down the yellow brick road. Where's Toto?

Today is offically already a good day and it's only going to get better.

First of all, I was ready for work on time and managed to get breakfast.
Secondly, the boss decided to not play the oldies station, instead we are listening to Top 40, yay!
Thirdly, I have the coolest Mom ever! Once she figured out that the bagel I had grabbed for lunch was stuffed with something disgusting, she brought me lunch! How COOL is that? Do you know how loved that makes me feel??

Sniffle. Warm fuzzies all around!


And, I know Joy is having a good day because Matt came over to paint. I am happy for her.

But I am happier for my yummy lunch. Thanks Mum!

Times like tonight, I really hate having emotions.

I am feeling rather sad and lonely, the idea of regretting my brilliant idea of being free and single has definately flitted through my mind more than once. But honestly, I am TIRED of being sad and single. I know they don't necessarily walk hand in hand, but these nights wehre you have simply had a bad day, and miss the companionship of a guy, really make singleness seem like it is truely terrible.

I honestly think the Lord is trying to see if I meant what I said when I didn't want a relationship. If I really wanted to draw closer to Him through my lonliness. I do. Because in review, I haven't had the greatest sucess in relationships and I do not want to keep putting myself through that until I am completely sufficient on the Lord. I am beginning to actually understand in a very real way, that I will never be satisfied until my relationship with God is complete. Otherwise, their will always be that nagging, gnawing hunger for more.

I find emotions so amazing, volitale, but amazing. Time like tonight, when I simply wish I had none, I remind myself that if I did not have emotions I could not experience such as the euphoric adrenaline rush of victory, the sweet and gentle realization that you are loved in a special way or even the bitter pain of knowing that you CAN still feel, even if it is the pain of a broken heart.

I am, for once, at a loss for words. The intricate way God has created our hearts to desire Him, aching that is intrinsically written on our hearts taht will not be sated until that God-shaped hole is filled. That is incredible!


Zeke came over tonight and it was slightly weird. But whatever. I'm not going to be the one to say anything.

Dad made a comment tonight that really took me aback, he said that I always complain about all my jobs, no matter where I work, I always find it annoying. How horrifying! I must remind myself constantly that I have to be more positive and uplifting.

In fact, at work tomorrow I am going to find two good things about everyone there and make a post. Even if it would be more amusing to post deragatory descriptions about them.

Interesting isn't it, because my heart is SO wicked, if I do not constantly guard myself, I become so very negative. Very sad.

Recently I was discussing religion with a co-worker, and they informed me they thought all religion was a farce. The amount of people they had personally witnessed using and abusing the name of Jesus Christ in a materialistic fashion was too much for them to comprehend.

Of course I asked them if they could judge a entire group of people based on the actions of a few and other such questions. I was rather frustrated, because it is so unjust to judge someone because of other's actions. But, I began to understand exactly what this man meant, when I read the letter of a well-known "Reverand" from our area.

Dear Pastor and Friend:

This is one letter that I did not want to write.

However, my family's economic situation has forced the issue.

You may remember that on May 30, 1993, our home caught fire.

Devastating as that was, it has been more devastating that this matter has not been cleared up. It has been a total of five months. Satran has used the local fire marshall's office, and this is the reason for this delay. They dragged their feet i n a most insidious way.

The bottom line is this- we're broke, with n hope in sight, save for Jesus Christ and His people.

At the present time, we are without heat, and our electric is due to be shut off.

However, there is hope, I have not given up, yet I realize the power in prayer.

I am asking you to pray in our behalf. PLease ask your prayer warriors to pray also.

When all is said and done, we'll give God the glory and victory.

Love and Prayers-

Rev. Mon E. Grubber


Does that not make anyone else truely nausious? I mean, if your hope is truely in Jesus Christ, why couldn't you just have faith that He would provide? Or, for that matter, did it occur to you that He could be chastening you for your notorious illegal scams involving using people for their money, under the guise of "religion."

I'm sorry, but it is people of that character and fortitude that give the rest of Christians a bad name.

I must say, working at BesTemps is rather depressing, it's as close as you can get to working in the unemployment office without actually working there.

Anyway, yesterday, I was sitting here at the front desk, filing my heaps of paper and generally being busy. There was this slimy guy, "helping" his friend fill out a application (it took him forever!) and he was eyeing me. I knew he was going to ask me for my number or whatever, so I had quite a bit of time to come up with a snappy comeback.

So, he finially musters up the courage:
"So, do you have a boyfriend or summin?"

"Erm, NO. I don't date"

"Why the hell not?"

"Because, I can think of three thousand, one hundred and seven things I would rather do than spend a evening with a guy staring at me."

"Oh. Does that mean I can't get your number?"

At that point, I just glared.



Last night, Jared called me, and it was nice for the first time to actually be able just to chat with him and not feel bitter or upset. It was nice to just catch up. And I apoligized for the way I handled things between him and Zeke. Citing that I could have handled it in a more delicate fashion and, well, in essence, not been such I drama queen.

Of course, Joy wante to know if I had sworn I would never go out with him again. As I told him, "I try not to make the same mistake twice."


I hope today goes by quickly, because it hasn't started too well. Spilling shrimp juice on my shirt, someone dumping my lunch on the ground, hanging up on numeroous peple and forgetting to give messages. And it's only nine.

Is that even a word? I think that is Dad's version of angst, but I am not quite sure.

He and I had a nice little chat yesterday, and I realized just how selfish I have been being towards the family lately.

Poor Mom and Dad have been pouring their hearts into making the family work and I am always grousing about something! Not only is that counterproductive, but exactly what I accuse and condemn other people my age for doing. So, in relation as well to my other post, here is things I am grateful for about each family member.

Dad-He has been making a hugely concious effort, of late, to make our family feel like, well a family it hasn't been easy for him, but he has been very diligent in this effort. And, he is paying for my college! That is... amazing. I will still be working on getting scholarships, but the fact that he is so adament about me graduating with no student debt makes me very, very appreciative.

Mom- Can you imagine being in charge of 300+ munchkins, six children, two houses, two dogs and one husband? She does so, and does it cheerfully, almost making it look easy. She proffers advice only when asked and outdoes herself in trying to be super-mom. She has even gone as far as initiating herself into the family by backing her car into a pole,in true style of our family.

Laura- Sanguine doesn't even begine to describe Laura. Laura tries her absolute best to always make everything more fun for, well, everyone. She coins cute and at times, rather annoying, nicknames for everyone. She tries to be upbeat when I insist on being a pesamist. If she were a china doll, she would have a polka-dotted bow planted firmly in the middle of her head.

Joy- It amazes me how in-sync Joy and I can be, and then how we will completely clash. But, in any account, Joy absolutely goes out of her way to be a nice sister. She tries to do "sisterly" things, she calls me a leaves sweet voicemails and even lets me wear her jeans when I am good. Joy tries so hard to be a nice sister it almost makes me cry, but not quite.

Fred- To Fred, I am a unsolved mystery. Right up there with the uterus, shoe fetishes and why women go to the bathroom together. But he valiently tries, on occasion, to understand me. Granted, when he askes "so why aren't you in a bad mood?" it doesn't help, but try he does. Even when I nag, shout, and am generally evil. He will one day be famous and he's already brilliant.

Zach- Smiles sweetly when he knows I am trying to be a good sister. He also puts up with my corny jokes, my bad taste in movies and even cracks a smile when I sit on him.


Life is good, but only because I am surrounded by wonderful people. And it's not the people I work with, trust me.

I am, by my very nature of being raised, a drama queen. I am rather ashamed to admit that, because I personally hate being around drama queens. I might be one, but that doesn't mean I like it.

Actually, I try very, very hard not to be one. Every now and then those dreadful little tendancies tend to slip out, at the worst of times. Maybe it's because I like dealing with crises, maybe it's because I am used to dealing with them. Maybe being the youngest of four girls, it was trained into me. There are allot of maybe's. But on any account, I have gotten to the point where I have had my full share of drama and do not need to create any more.

The real problem with being a drama queen, is it hurts people. Plain and simple. I am now making ammends for situations I could have handled in a more delicate manner. And now, thought at the time I wasn't, I am very sorry for hurting the people that were exploited in my quest for dramatics. Sad, isn't it? I think what is even sadder, is that it took me so long to realize it. It wasn't that I was \trying to use them, in fact, sometimes it was quite true, it is just that I exaggerated and made it plenty more hurtful than it had to be.

Alas! The lessons we learn as we look back...

My weekend really wasn't all that bad, but I was being very selfish and hateful to be around, since I was feeling sorry for myself. I have vowed not to do that anymore, even if I feel I am having a "bad day" I will not give in to the natural impulse to want to whine and complain that I am having a less-than-desireable day. Instead, I have decided, to thank people and tell them I am grateful for something about them.

Ironically, the new week I have started with my selfless resolution has been marred by a traffic ticket. I found it hihgly amusing, the sherriff stopped me in the parking lot of work! I DID stop at the stop sign, he just didn't see me. I didn't protest or anything like that, I graceully signed for the ticket, mentally grousing that I had to get the ONE officer I didn't know. But, he was just trying to do his job. But it almost made me feel bad for him, he thought he was saving the world, one stop sign at a time. Cheers for Mr. Sherriff!

I have, of late, been trying to stimulate my mind and expand my horizens by reading. I read What Our Mothers Didn't Teach Us: Why Happiness Eludes Modern Women by Danielle Crittendon. It was well written, and since ti was written from a secular perspective, very interesting.

The author examines the effects of the seventies feminist movement in the thinking and lifestyle in woman today. Everything from the way we view motherhood, our attitudes about aging, what is considered "feminine" and more. I would highly recommend it, not because I agree with everything she wrote, because I don't. But because it forces you, as a reader, to confront just how much of the liberal mindset you have absorbed.

Personally, I was shocked, once I actually began to think about it, how much of the original femenist mindset I was proudly touting. I was a tad ashamed to admit the expectations I had assumed for myself were not necissarily Biblical. How could I say I was ernestly seeking God when the goals I had set for myself were goals that looked suspiciously self-centered.

I would highly recommend reading the book if you are interested in changing to world. Which, in case I haven't made it clear, I am.

This weekend, I had a excellent conversation with a friend who I haven't actually conversed with in forever. We encouraged each other to hold out for men who were leaders and not to settle. Even though at this point in my life I am not interested in a serious relationship, I have to keep a standard in mind. Does that make sense?

It isn't a matter of me being better than a certain type of guy, or working too hard, or coming too far to settle. Because, frankly I could make myself happy with anything. Emphasis on the MAKE. But, my family has invested too much into me to throw it away on what I want, or settling for the mediocre. That is what this is about. My family has invested huge amounts of time, energy, emotion and money into making me the best person I can be. If I settle for the sub-par, whether in goals, guys, or whatever, it is selling them short.

I think that is what angers me when people say, it's MY life! I can live however I want. No! People, more than you will ever know, have been praying for you, watching you, helping you and trying so hard to give you the very best they have. Are you going to selfishly throw it all away because you feel like it?

So, for me, being the best I can, getting my degrees and honing myself into a force to be reckoned with, is because I have been given so much, I want to give back.


I don't have any deep thoughts for today. But today is Joy's birthday! Happy birthday Joy! Her blog is http://jjoyful.blogspot.com she is a pretty cool chick, so check her out.

In other news, I actually got ahold of Joelle and we are getting together Tuesday night. It doesn't sound like she has changed much, she drives a huge truck, doesn't wear makeup and is studying to be a vet. But I love her. And who knows, if she hangs with me long enough, she just might start wearing makeup.


One of my latest goals is to hone my mind and my skills. I have decided to study spanish and as I stated earlier, I am reading vociferiously (sp?). If you have any recommendations for books, or mind stimulating activites, or anything that will make me a better person, let me know.

Young people today are called lazy, irresponsible and reckless, They are said to be devoid of morality, dreams and thoughts for others. The stereotype is celf-centered, arrogant and egotistical.

Speaking as a young person I can honestly say that I think for the most part, that is a very fair summary in general. But should adults really be suprised at the attitudes of young people when that kind of behavior is tolerated, nay expected from today's youth! I am not saying this statemnet as a blanket rule, but more often than not, the attitude from adults is indifference, condiescention and boredom.

People are not encouraging, much less expecting any sort of standard of behavior from young people. When sub-standard behavior accours or actions that are often illegal, adults frequently dismiss it with a chickle of "teens will be teens."

While some parents worry, chasten and even discipline their teenager, they do not see why the child is behaving as such. Nothing better is expected. You must expect and encourage excellence if you want to see results.

As a accomplished young person, adults express a variety of emotions when they find out my age. Everything from sheer disbelief, admiration and respect to indifference, aloof arrogance and disgust. Trying to better myself as a young person hasn't been easy. Most people won't give you a chance or take you seriously.

My last job was in food service. Typical teenager work. When i went in to give my two weeks notice, instead of congratulating me on landing a job that actually had career potential, significant pay raise and challenging opportunities. My employer simply sneered "your only seventeen."

So! Why are you trying to sell me short just because I am trying to achieve? Are you really that insecure. I have had several wonderful job offers, except when they find out I am seventeen, they quickly withdraw their offers.

That is age discrimination! People who claim they are Equal Opportunity Emploeys are lying! Anyway, I will no longer rant, but it is just a thought.


So often, so often and unnecessarily, I begin to stress over things so trivial. Things to which I do not need to give more than a moticome of thought.

Take for instance, Brinttany's wedding and shower in general. Stephanie and I have been sweating bullets, shedding grape-sized tears and being outselves up ofver a WEDDING shower. Most of the stress was not personally induced, but by the horrific mother-of-the-bride and bitchy sister-in-law from hell. Both of them calling insistently, asking questions, demanding answers and liberally giving unwanted, unwarrented and unasked for adivice over a wedding shower in August for a DECEMBER wedding. And I began to fret, what if they don't like the shower? What if they get angry with me?

Then I had a blinding revelation! SCREW IT! SCREW THEM ALL! It is a freaking shower! I have better things to do with my life the plase bitchy MOTB. If that means not being a bridesmaid, so be it. I love Brittany to death, but I refuse to be harassed over a shower. I am trying to be selfless and a good friend, but some people will never be pleased so their is to point in stressing.

One more word out of Mrs. West and I will tell the woman to not only shove the whole shower up her butt, but the boquets as well, just to make sure she has a lasting impression.


Anyway, I had some other stuff I was going to say. But I am very, very tired. Good Night.

Today, since Preston was very, very slow today, I was thinking my equivilent of deep thoughts.

In truth, to first know God, one must acknowledge the stentch of humanity, revel in the depts of the depravity of humankind. In essence, we must admit the darkness of the heart of man. Our true condition.

Why do we, as sinning people, aspire to disguise the ugliness of sin with our paltry, yet carefully crafted good works? Why do we refuse to confront, face and root out the evilness of our hearts, dripping with tthe blackness that only comes from the very pits of hell.

We justify, excuse, hedge and lie and tell ourselves half truthes, but never fully admitting who we really are. We are eiather purified, chose, redeemed and sanctified children of God, or children sold to the devil; our hearts covered in the soot from the sulpher burnings.

If we are so proud of our sinfulness as we suggest in our portrayals of denial of God's existance, we deny even the acknowledgement of His precense, much less His being. Why we even shade our hearts with shades of sinfulness, citing "I am better than HIM." Glaring at the adulterous neighbor, murderous inmate or theiving relative. But alas! We are not.

Sin is sin. Black and white. Equal in the eyes of God. Horrible, unspeakable filth which is not allowed in His holy prescence. A lustful glance, a hateful thought, child molesters and serial killers are all plain sinners. Equal. Just as we are all equal in God's love. Creatures in need of a Savior. Sinners in need of a Christ. Children in need of a Father.

Why do we continually deny the need for something greater? The hunger for true acceptance. Not money, not fame, but the desire to please God, to fill that void which only God can.

Why do we do all this? Because we deny ourselves the acknowledgement of the very first thing, our true condition. Sin.

Tonight, I laid on the couch as I tried to go to sleep and I cried. Just cried.

As I laid there, I thought of how extremely selfish I have been, especially of late. Sure, I say I want to help people and do great things, but why? I really have this underlying desire to be rich, famous and lauded. I want to do something great with my life to change the world, yes. But more so, that I will make a mark in history.
How incredibly cold. How incredibly thoughtless. Forgetting all the grace I have been given, forgetting everything that has been so freely handed to me. Not wanting to help people, but wanting to hoard more.

Teresa mentioned tonight, that she watched a little boy walk out of school, clutching three cold, leftover corn dogs for dinner. Knowing that if he didn't fend for him, no one else would. Where has my compassion gone?

Joy spoke of a girl we used to pick up on the bus, she saw her today at the side of the road, pregnant.

Prehaps it is a overactive imagination, too much caffeine, or a genuine repentance. But suddenly, my mind was flooded with all those children who didn't have someone. I saw the little boy, his grim bravado of casual indifference, his eyes hugrey for love and acceptance, knowing that he will go home to no one who cares about him, much less his soul.

I saw the girl, her thin body barely past puberty, swollen with the beginnings of another life that she has no desire to perpetuate. Her eyes wide with uncertainty and fear.

I saw each of those bus kids, each of those junior church kids, each child I have seen that was less fortunante than me. And I instantly felt my skin crawl with the naked and raw selfishness I was displaying. There is so much that needs to be done to help so many people and I am mentally lamenting because I think life is to much effort?? Where do I even begin to help people? How can I genuinely help people??

Right now, more than anything I have said in the past... while. I want to help these peeople, not for me, not for my glory. But so that they can honestly say they know Christ. So the can feel filled, safe and accepted.

For the first time in my life, I honestly know what Bob Piper (founder of World view Missioins) meant and felt when he said "Let my heart be broken witht the things that break the heart of God."

My heart is so very hard, so very calloused and indifferent, but oh so sensitive to the things of the world. Where is my passion, my zeal and my love of Christ? Right now, all I ask is that the Lord will use me to show His compassion, His love, His unfailing mercy and that He would use me. I just want to be used.

This morning Joy and I got in a interesting conversation, I can't remember what exactly we were talking about, but she said I never ask if I think I am fat, I just say. So, I decided to remedy the situation, so I asked "Joy do you think I am fat?" To which she replied "Well, I don't think your skinny."

So, in Joy-speak, yes I am fat. At first, I was slightly annoyed, only slightly, which I thought as a great improvement over past times I have been told I was fat. And then I remembered that Joy, little, skinny, pageant-starved Joy, think's that SHE is fat!

And, I was actually for the first time, able to genuinelly not care what someone thought about the way I look, or how fat I am. Guys who like skinny chicks are screwed, I don't care if you think I am fat, because I am gneuinely happy at how I look. I have curves, I look like a woman. Last time I checked, that wasn't a crime. For crying out loud, I have the same measurements as Marilyn Monroe, sure she was chubby, but she was beautiful.

Anyway, I am happy to announce I don't care what people think. I think I am just fine.

And a word to those who are critqued by Joy, she is around anorexic barbies all the time, so her perspective gets a tad warped. But we love her anyway.

And, kudoes to her, she was published. Check it out at http://www.relevantmagazine.com

As wonderful as it is to be loved and have the security of knowing someone loves you, the complete feeling of freedom is equally exhilerating.

I have friends, sisters and assorted other people that care about me, not mention the Lord, it is a really great feeling.

Right now, I love this song, even if the Dixie Chicks suck.

When the train rolls by
I'm gonna be ready this time
When the boy gets that look in his eye
I'm gonna be ready this time
When my momma says I look good in white
I'm gonna be ready this time

Oh yeah
Ready, ready, ready, ready...ready to run
All I'm ready to do is have some fun
What's all this talk about love

I feel the wind blow through my hair
I'm gonna be ready this time
I'll buy a ticket to anywhere
I'm gonna be ready this time
You see it feels like I'm starting to care
And I'm going to be ready this time

Oh yeah
Ready, ready, ready, ready...ready to run
All I'm ready to do is have some fun
What's all this talk about love

I'm ready to run...I'm ready to run

Zeke broke up with me today.

I am not crying, or upset, or angry, or anything like that. A little suprised, but whatever. I will not give in to the childish impulse to be upset, because it was actually a answer to prayer. I asked the Lord that it would fall apart and that HE would break up with me. I forgot about asking the Lord that, until I was in the shower today. So I was able to genuinely thank Him for it. I know that sounds like a crock of ATI bull, but I was honestly grateful.

I was slightly irritated that he didn't have the guts to say any of it face to face, instead he called me, but oh well. I simply asked him what had changed between today and two weeks ago when I had brought the very same issues to him. He said something about he just needed time to think about it. Ok.

There were certain things that just didn't mesh, and I don' t think they ever would have. Which isn't a bad thing, but there comes a point where you have to decide what you can live with and what you can't. I think the fact that I wanted to do something as big as change the world and influence our culture, scared him to a certain extent.

I don't know, I have allot of thoughts, but I guess I need to sort them out in my head, not on my blog, spilling everything for the entire world to see on my blog.

In other thoughts, I now need to come up with a new name for my blog. Sigh.

Alas, I shall continue my day in my slightly dazed state. Stephanie and Brittany and I are going to eat dinner at Steph's. We shall not bash guys, because there is really no point.

In fact, there is no point to this post because my thoughts are highly fragmented and not the least complete. Reading this does very little to reveal what I am thinking and the thoughts that are swirling around in my head.

Whatever.

I know it isn't fall yet, but it feels like it. And I love fall, out of all the seasons I do believe it is my favorite. I love digging out my favorite sweaters, comfy jeans and warm things. I love the slight crispness to the air, the smell of leaves burning, the nip of the wind on your cheeks. I love the smell of bonfires and apple cider, the feeling of new begininngs and Christmas is coming!

It does sound exactly what other people say about fall and I have been trying to think back to a time in my life when something paticularly good happened. I can't. But I love the fall! Maybe it's because my birthday is in the fall, but I love it. And no, I don't like football.

Ok, this is disgusting, I am waiting to leave for Grandma and Grandpa's, absolutely starving and Dad is on the phone talking about castrating cats in excruciating detail. That's disgusting, primal and something I don't want to hear. There are certain things in life that I don't want to know about, like gonad gravey. Great, now he's talking about expanding his practice to wayward teenage boys. Terrific. AND I AM STARVING!

I was watching a Marilyn Monroe movie, she was one curvy girl. Her dresses were absolutely obscene and she didn't wear bra's!! How revolting. She was so pretty though... I am tryiing to get style tips here.

My, my! It has been far too long since I have updated this. My loyal fan club of readers (namely my father) has been bugging me to update, they just wanted to read my witty thoughts. Right.

Just to redeem myself, I haven't been able to update because Laura's computer is singularly evil. And since I haven't found time to go to the office recently, updating has been near to impossible.

Let me see, what has happened since I have last updated? Well, firstly and most exciting, I did indeed get into Verity.

They made me sweat it out a little, so it means more than if I just got in. Does that make sense? The whole concept of things that are earned having mroe value than things that are given. It makes sense to me and that's what counts. They said they were very impressed with my writing skills. Bah! As I am writiing this very boring post, I am laughing at the irony of it all. Maybe I will post my eight page testimony that was such wonderful writing. Hm. Or maybe not.

Laura is home, I don't think she likes being home. I think she thinks were don't like her or something. I love her dearly, I just want the best for her, that's all. Just like she used to do with me. You know the whole sisterly concept of making them do stuff whether they like it or not for their own good. She is so freaking smart! Brilliant! Just like Mom. She can remember insignificant pieces of information that come in handy later and has a mind like a steel trap. I just hate to see her be unhappy and not reach her full potential. Maybe she is happy, but I want so MUCH for her. Doesn't she realize she has the potential to change the world. Granted, she just might not be spilling her guts or ideas to us like she used to, so we simply don't know. Anyway.

My modeling jobs are picking up a little bit. Since I quit at Chick-Fil-A, they are tiding me over until I get that job with Preston. Laura and I are going to work on expanding my portfolio when she comes back from Glen Arden.

I have been trying to read quite a bit lately. I realize how latent and apathetic my mind was getting, so I have been reading book after book, trying to make myself smarter and a better person. I want to be well read, wise, articulate and all that good stuff. I have been trying to read biographies of people that influenced and changed our culture. Wheter it was for good or bad, they still shaped it in some form and that is what I want to do. I recently read Spin Sisters: How Women of the Media Sell Liberalism and Unhappiness to Women of America. I highly recommend it. It is not necessarily well written, but very thought provoking.

It is my mission to influence our culture for the better. While that might seem slightly unreachable, it is possible! Anything is possible if you put your mind to it. First of all I want to motivate young people to aspire beyond the expectations or lack thereof of parents, peers and any one else. Not to be great, not to be famous, but to be the best they can be. Young people need to see the bigger picture, the picture of life and influencing others around them. People sell teenagers short in expecting them to be irresponsible and foolish. Give them goals, give them dreams, believe in them and actually reach out to them. Lee-Ann and I are brainstorming a book together on this subject. Something we both feel very passionately about.

Secondly, they way women of today think, is so very warped. They have been given every opportunity possible and they still feel slighted, undersold and cheap. Why cannot women glory in the beauty of being a woman? Yes, we can do it all. But why not do what women do best? Be feminine and be GLAD you can do that. People of today have no idea what they want or where to search for it and I want to be able to give them alternatives. Show them that there is more to life than just yourself.

I am also thinking of being in the Miss Blue-Gold pageant just for the sheer fun of it. To be in the pageant where Joy gave away her crown would be boatloads of fun! I would do something about influencing young people for my platform. But I would enter it just for the fun of it and to give me a great sense of what Joy is going through so I could help her.

Speaking of Joy, I was thinking, a great way to get started in the whole PR thing is if I took it upon myself as my project to get Joy bookings and speaking engagements. Calling schools, clubs, etc. Trying to get her diverse chances to share her platform. I hvae been brainstorming this for awihle.

Sadly, I was not able to post when I had lots of thoughts. Right now my mind is slightly numb. So maybe more to come later!

Ahh! I just remembered I am starting my birthday list! I cannot think what I want to do for my 18th birthday besides sit around and smoke cigars to celebrate the fact I can now LEGALLY buy tobacco.
So here is the birthday list (never to early to start) This is a WISH list, things I want but do not expect to get... does that make sense or is that selfish?

Handgun and lessons- I think self-defense is very important. And if we end up moving to the trailer, it would be very wise. I mean, can you see Laura hurting anyone? No. Joy might , but I can't see her waking up out of a deep slumber to hear a attacker. I think it would be excellent to start exercising my right as a American to defend my home and family.

Radar Detector- I know this is a sorely debated subject in our family and actually I don't really speed anymore, ever since I started taking the blame for every single things that goes wrong with the family vehicles, I have started driving like a granny, besides it conserves gas. But sooner or later I will get my own car, and then it would be very nice to have.

Leather Jacket- I have always wanted one and I think they look so timeless and classy. Besides, you can actually get them rather cheaply off of ebay.

Madamosielle- I love the smell, it lingers forever. Besides, it's great to see the look on people's face when you tell them that's what perfume your wearing.

Flat Iron- My hair can actually look cute with the proper amount of time invested in it. Our flat-iron's have been lost and broken by Joy, so if I DO get one, I want one of the skinny kind, not the big fat ones. You can actually get them at Sally's.

Sonia Kashuk Makeup Brushes- Brushes make makeup go on so much better, and we all know how much I love making other people look beautiful. It's so neat to see how excited they get when you make them look gorgeous.

Hair Cutting Shears- Kind of a continuation of the last one, I love cutting people's hair and I need to get my own good pair of scissors instead of continually stealing Iva's.

I think that's it, and I cannot believe that I am actually posting this.